A second rate life.

Why does the world scream messages of confusion? Messages that tell me what I am doing with my life leaves something to be desired. What about the career? What about the Master's Degree you just paid off? What are you doing with your life now?

The world wants me to believe that I can do it all. Be a wife, be a mom, work a job, volunteer.... and the list continues. "Make something of yourself. Don't lose yourself." Yep, I get it. Now, there is absolute truth to some of that, especially the part of not losing one's self. Marriage and babies take work. A lot of work. And not the pretty work either. The biggest blessing God can ever give, but so much more too.

Truth is, I can't do it all. There really is a season for everything. Do I want to do it all? Yes. Do I look back on the things I've accomplished and dream of the day I'll have that again? Sure. But that's never going to happen. That season is gone. I heard someone say, "EVERYTHING is a season, except for Jesus." Think about that for a minute. If I let that actually sink in, that is a game changer. I don't have to think that my degree is wasted. I don't have to believe that being a stay at home mom is a second rate job and I'd really be happier going back to work. I mean, I love what I do (did) but when I look at my babies and feel the weight of the responsibility that has been given to me, that far out weights anything I've done up until now. And better yet, it's ok to miss those things. I loved it and was good at it. But what's next...

In asking these questions and weeding through all the emotions, choosing to believe that the best is ahead and not behind, I need to stop trying to make the path happen. Anything that has brought meaning to my life has been because God made it happen. Anything that has been successful, has been because I let it go and let God work through me. Man, I want more of that. I am starting to learn the meaning of losing myself, but gaining God's plan for my life. That's no easy lesson. But oh there's excitement in that. He's never failed me and He never will.

How could I ask for more - Christy Nockels, Be Held: Lullabies for the Beloved.

"There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned from this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong
'Cause there are questions without answers and flames that never die
And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguiseSo thank you, Lord, oh thank you, Lord
And yeah, how could I ask for more?"

It’s not about me. It’s not about you. So get over it!

I don’t even remember the last time I sat down to type something out, but sometimes when you finally get the strength together to be honest, real and transparent, you just HAVE to declare the goodness of the Lord for RESTORING JOY.

There are MANY things that have been stirring in my heart lately. I know many of you know of my lifelong journey with Weight Watchers and now my new obsession with my air fryer, but God has been moving in my personal life and I just had to share it. I learned (when I was in Africa 4 years ago) that when God prompts you to share, don’t say you’re going to and then not. Share it immediately! You need to declare His goodness, and someone needs to hear it. Someone else is sitting in that boat too.

Yesterday was an interesting 4th of July. It flooded big time here in Houston, so we were stuck indoors all day long. I looked back in my yearly memories on FB, and saw the past 4 years... 2015 - in Breckenridge with Christian. 2016 Colton was 7 weeks old.  2017 Annie Grace was 2 weeks old and this year, we were bribing the kids to say “CHEESE” for our celebratory picture. Oy! Getting kids to look in the same direction AND smile at the camera = nearly impossible. Anyways, all that to say, 4 years of a lot of change and I’ll even be brave enough to say 3 years of saying to myself, “where are you?”. I had lost touch with who I was. With who I wanted to be. Not as a wife, or a mom
or a friend.... as me. All the voices were screaming loud and clear: Your best years of your SELF are behind you. Being a stay at home mom is second rate to making a name for yourself with your career, bank account and what you hold dear. If you aren’t singing, then what? .... I could keep writing, but let’s just sum it up with, I was void of DEEP joy. No, it wasn’t postpartum. It was self justifying life as I saw it.

This year has been life changing for me. I went back to Weight Watchers the week before Christmas (2017) and started making ME a priority. In the Fall of 2017, I also joined Divine Design at Tallowood. We hadn’t joined there yet, but I knew I needed to surround myself with godly women, old and young, who ‘got’ this phase of life. It pushed me to find the light again.

Joining any Weightloss program is so interesting to me. I have chosen to wear it on my sleeve because it brings me freedom. Some people say “You didn’t need it”, while others say “good for you” ... I did it because I NEEDED it! Since joining, I have lost count of friends who have joined too because of my openness to it all. I used to try to do it alone and fell over and over again. I am so thankful and happy to link arms with any and everyone who jumps in the boat with me. I refuse to accept that my best years of feeling healthy, looking good and being able to truly hold my head up WITHOUT WEARING A MASK, are all behind me. No! I don’t declare that for my life. I don’t declare it for any of you either. And most importantly, GOD doesn’t declare that for us either! Thank you LORD!

Today’s passage in my “Cultivate Joy” Write the Word journal - Isaiah 61:1-3
“The spirit of the sovreign Lord is up me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who greive in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor”

WHACK! That hit me so hard today, in the best way! And I’m going to be so bold as to declare that God always declares the year to be a year of HIS favor! This year, I am CLAIMING freedom from this burden of weight. It’s not about a number. It’s about being the best I can be, and the best I can be is NOT being uncomfortable in my own skin. BESTOW means: to put to use, to put in a particular or appropriate place, to convey as a gift. Man, I want to wear that crown. You can’t wear a crown when you’re playing in your own ashes. Or even worse, living in them.

So what do you need to claim today? Reach out and claim it. You’re not alone. Reach out to someone you look up to. Reach out to someone who teaches you how to be a better you. You look up to them for a reason. I’m so thankful for those who I can do that to. Claim victory in HIS name because it’s the only thing that will bring lasting Joy. I pruned a LOT of life back, but am so thankful for it, because now I’m starting to see the changes for HIS SPLENDOR. Just like the little mint plant that had been deemed as DEAD when I brought it home, pruned it, and it’s coming back to life.... that me. And that’s life. 

A year of love like none other- Colton's 1st year

 I find it so interesting that I have not written a blog since before Christian and I were married.  Oh how things change in the blink of an eye...

Today I took Colton for his one year check up.  He weighs 24.75 lbs and is in the 91%. He is 30.5" tall and in the 74%. And his head is 19.29 inches and is in the 98.8%....  needless to say, we have a very healthy boy who is smart and funny and kind. I had no idea that a little boy could have so much personality in his first year. He never ceases to amaze me with all that he can do and all that he understands.



As I look back over this year of being a new mom, life is nothing like I thought it would be. Being that I started babysitting when I was 12 years old, I thought I would do just fine with being a mother and it would be a breeze. It is nothing like what you think it's going to be like. Life is constantly changing for him and for our family. I have never been looked at so deeply by anybody. Looking at him back makes me want to weep, laugh, to try harder, to do better, to be present in every moment of the day and be the best wife I can be.

Family time is something we work so hard at being one of our top priorities.  Watching Christian be a daddy is so incredibly humbling. Since I never had brothers, seeing that special relationship between father and son is the most precious thing...  Colton loves his daddy so much and there is nobody in the world I can imagine being on this journey with. That by itself is a whole other level of love and appreciation.

 Has this journey been easy? Not at all. It has hands-down been the hardest thing I have ever done. I've never cried harder, felt more defeated, been more tired,  or truly have no idea what I was doing … But all of those things don't really matter because nothing has been more rewarding either.

 As we were out of town this last weekend on our final family trip before we have our sweet little Annabel, I tried to take in every moment. I was overwhelmed with how many people have loved on our family and our son in the past year. I am so thankful.  I am thankful for the heart ache and the changes that I didn't always want to make, but I know God is leading our family in the right direction with His plan and His timing. That's always the better thing anyways!

 So now we will be starting a few new chapters in our family. First with the arrival of Annabel in the next three weeks, and then some other pretty big changes are just around the corner...  always changing, always open, ever listening.

God is faithful.  God is so good. We are thankful....

When you're not looking... WATCH OUT! You may be getting the deepest desires of your heart.

Tonight I am sitting in my parents home in Pennsylvania, laying by the fire, spending an evening alone and quiet. I have wanted to get back on here for a while, but time flies when you're having the time of your life... And I can truly say, that's been me.

I just read my last blog and all I can do is tell you that I just cried reading it. God gave me the desires of my heart, just like He promises to do when we give it up to Him. Anyone who knows me knows the heartache and the struggles I've gone through. Many of you have walked me through those times. I wanted to tell you the gift that He gave me, since many of you don't know the details of the love story that normally is told in books... He gave that to me.

It wasn't without tears and tons of hard work that God put me on a mission trip to Africa this summer. There are a few people who can truly attest to the fact that up until the last moment (literally the night before) that I DID NOT want to go. There were silly but very real things that stole my joy and desire to go on the trip leading up to it, and I was not in the least bit looking forward to it. I got on the bus to the airport with the rest of the choir and orchestra and we embarked on a trip across the world. The funny fact that started it off was during our checking in at security, the security guard gave his number to one of my friends on the trip and asked her to give it to me. I turned to my friend and I said, "I'm gonna find me a husband in Africa!".... Little did I know, that would happen.

A few days into our trip, my joy had been restored and I was able to worship and offer my gifts in a way that humbled me and gave me a purpose. Oh how things so easily distract us from serving our purpose of offering our lives. One evening, a few of us decided it was a good idea to go look for monkeys... I invited Christian and his roommate to go along with us girls. We had never talked to each other more than "hey, what's up" ... And yet we have sung in the same church choir for 5 years. We knew of each other but it was not God's timing. To no avail, we returned to the dining hall without having seeing any monkeys, but it was the beginning of the best love story. The 5 of us sat down to dinner and I sat across from Christian and all I could think was "where have you been my whole life"? I will never forget that moment...

From that moment on, we both knew there was something special and God has been writing the story of Christian and I from that moment on. There are so many things that I could write about, but some things are better left unsaid, are special moments we have had, and maybe I'll share them when it's the right time, but for now, I will say that I never saw it coming.

Tonight, I was working on a craft (big surprise, I know) and I was listening to the Christian radio station that mom left on for me. Pastor James McDonald was talking ironically about when you feel like God has forgotten you, when you don't think He remembers the deepest desire of your heart. I could do nothing but sit there and simply say "thank YOU". I cried that out to the Lord for so many years. I didn't know what His plan was. I tried to make my own plans. They failed because I tried to do it alone. This summer, one month before I met the man I will be with for the rest of my life with, I said "I'm done with all of this, Lord" and I meant it. I was done with the heartache, I was done with the trying and failing. I just couldn't bear any of it anymore. I said my final goodbyes to those who I knew I had been holding onto for security (or there lack of) and I gave it up.

I never saw any of it coming because I had stopped looking. Now all of these things made sense that I'd heard for years... You'll find him when you're not looking... When you know, you know.... On and on. But it is true. The Lord heard my every prayer, He saw my every tear, He carried every heartache and He brought the man I had stopped believing existed, right to me. In the middle of Africa.

I am learning more and more about God's grace and His goodness. More than I thought I'd ever be capable of knowing. I love a man deeper than I ever thought or knew was possible. And I am so honored to be on this journey and new chapter of life with him.

You are not alone. You are have not been forgotten. He knows the deepest desire of your heart. His timing.

What is wrong with this dating scene?

First and foremost, this is not going to be a rant of bitterness and self-wallowing because that is what I hate reading and hearing most among single people. "No one will go on a date with me" .... blah blah blah. Tell it to your mom. No one will date you because all you do is wallow in the fact that no one will date you. That's why no one will date you.

Moving on.

So here is my reality as a single, successful, independent, pretty (am I allowed to say that about myself without having a big head, because I don't say it like that) 32 year old woman. Everyone says, "You'll find him when you're not looking." and that was true. I did find him, and he broke my heart. It happens. I've moved on and done everything in my power to not resent what happened. In my efforts to just not "kissed dating goodbye" (which that's a whole other topic), I joined match. I have had many friends who have had success in meeting their wonderful partners and I thought, well, why not. I don't meet people at my jobs, and I'd rather do that than go to a bar or club or something else that is not me.


The past 6 months:
Date no 1 - Guy INVADED my personal space without being invited... Phone call to sister sobbing my eyes out.

Date no 2 - Last text before our meeting to go out: Him: "Have you ever dated outside your race?" Me: "Yes. Why would that be a problem?" Him: "Take care, no desire to meet you anymore." Me: "So you're a racist?" Him: "No, I wouldn't say that." Me: "Happy Martin Luther King Day!" Him: "Ya, he seemed like a nice guy." Me: "WHAT? Take care, dude." ... Phone call to sister saying "WHAT THE?"

Date no 3: Valentine's day.... stood up.... Text to sister unable to form words because of true heartache. I looked beautiful too.

Date no 4: 32 minutes late. Nice guy, but not looking for the same things. No biggie. Nice guy and good conversation. 32 minutes late. Also, note to people who do online dating... please only use recent photos. Your picture from 5 years ago looks nothing like you now.

When I tell people these stories, they ask if I'm being honest. Yes! That is what is out there. That has been my experience. I go to a church where the singles group is HUGE and by huge I mean HUGE, but there is something SORELY lacking in what I've experienced there. I'm not interested in "hanging out" because you're too nervous to ask me out. I'm not joining a Sunday school class solely, so I can get asked out on a date. I'm not coming to your event because I know you're interested and you won't believe me when I say, I'm not interested. No hurt feelings. Just act normal!

There should be rules as to what non-single people ask or say to singles.
"Why are you not married?"
 "You need to _______".
"You shouldn't ______."
"I'm praying that God brings you a mate THIS year" ... I have had many family members and friends create their own timeline for me. I truly appreciate that you care, but how can you create my timeline?
"You should only date divorced people. You need someone who messed up and learned their lesson."
... I get these comments more frequently than you have any idea.

... the list goes on. The prayers go on. The crying texts/ phone calls continue. That's called reality and life. And it's all ok.

But this is what I am learning BIG time. There are some pretty awesome single men and women who are out there, and that is NOT a bad thing. I am learning, that the more I date, or try to date, the more I am learning what I don't want. I am learning that God has planted a seed in my heart to be an awesome single woman... and that's ok. I thank you for your concern and prayer, support when I'm lonely and laughs when it is just not working out. I'm most thankful for no words when there are silent tears and hugs when my heart is breaking. That is all part of life.

I want to live on God's timeline for my life. I have been hearing Him speak more to me than ever before and my job is to listen, stand tall and do what I am being asked to do. That means to live as an example of what it means to be the strong, single lady so that my students can confide in me about their boy problems... because they know I understand. It means standing along side my single friends (men and women) and saying "Don't compromise on what you want and what is the BEST for you!" That means getting outside of my personal bubble of living only for me (which is really easy to do as a single person) and invest in the lives of every single person I come in contact with. I have the time to do it... Give your life away to bring others to life.

I write this with tears streaming down my face. Some of sadness. Some of unbelief. Some of laughter for the days that have been and the days yet to come. It's not always easy being single, but no one has it perfect. However, we all have a calling on our lives and for right now, mine is to be single lady. And I'm thankful. Only God knows the deepest desires of my heart and only He can make it happen.

I give up. Can't do it anymore. Don't want to do it anymore. I just want to not care anymore. Done.

That's where I was when I woke up this morning. When's the last time you were there? I'm telling you, if I had 1/4 of a penny for every time I wanted to not have to care about my weight, think about what I was eating, figure out how to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'll never change and I'd be better off just quitting fighting the battle that rages, I'd be RICH! Filthy rich.

Then something comes along just when you need it to, to say...no no no, you're not done. And that would be God. Whether you believe He exists or not, I'm telling you, He is alive and well and working in me. Today, I was 'over it' in this battle and probably would have embarked on an epic binge of all of my favorite foods to 'reward' myself with coming to this conclusion. But God placed 2 people in my lap today, unsolicited, that both reached out to me because of their eating struggles. One who has struggled with anorexia for years and years, and the other who re-joined Weight Watchers and needed some food ideas.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you, I sit on the opposite side of that and am saying in my heart "if you only knew how much I struggled with this still, you'd not be talking with me about it." On the other hand, if I wasn't open and honest about it, you wouldn't know that I need help just as much as you do.

We all have struggles. We all have triumphs. We all have heartaches. We all have fits of pure joy. I don't begin to understand any of it, but I understand myself enough to know that I will never wear a mask about this. I'll fight it until the day I die, but as I learned and was reminded tonight in bible study, I have been given breath because God DELIGHTS to give it to me. When Beth said that, I nearly lost my marbles. God DELIGHTS in giving me life? I don't deserve that. I fail at life ALL the time. I fail! Sometimes I even want to fail. Am I allowed to say that?

More than that, I WANT TO LIVE. I don't ever want to be the person known as:
1. She wallowed all the time because she was single.
2. She is married to the most wonderful person, but just wanted to have a baby.
3. She has a beautiful baby, but wanted one more.
4. Fill in the blank with something that is your deepest desire.

We live in a world of comparison. Wanting more than we have and even deserve. There are times when I think it's ok to cry about these things, but it's more important to be thankful for the true gifts that we have. I don't need to fail or compare my life to others or need for anything else than being in the will of the One who created me and can truly be the only one to fill that void at all. I may be preaching to the choir, but I needed to hear these things tonight. I have MUCH to be thankful for.

I don't know what God is doing in my life. God is up to something and He's stirring the direction in my life. All I can do is to go where I'm supposed to because something's coming around the bend....

The Eve of the New Year, 2014

December 31, 2013

This is the first night that I have allowed myself to spend a new years eve doing what I wanted to do. I am spending the evening home, alone and using the time to truly reflect back on this past year. I honestly am not a new year's kind of person. I'm all for starting new things, setting goals, reflecting ... but I don't need to make a big deal of it. And I really don't need it tonight. So I am sitting here thinking, looking at my beautiful home, drinking a flute of champagne, pup in lap and wanting to remember what has come to pass in this last year.

Milestones include my first 1/2 marathon.

I never thought I'd be able to do something like that, but I did and I have signed up to do it again. People always ask: How fast did you do it? Honestly, I'm not sure. I finished it without walking, that's what I do know. I don't run to compete with a time. Running itself is enough of a challenge for me and I never thought I'd be able to do it. So, now I know that I can. I will be running my second one March 2 and am excited to have another goal to work towards.






Casa Gowing was built.

What an amazing and wonderful blessing this house is to me. I have never worked so hard for something (other than my weight loss) and each day I walk through the door, I am more and more thankful for it.


 I'm thankful that my family has been able to come and join me in this excitement.

I am thankful that I teach such wonderful students out of it and I am thankful that this neighborhood is growing and changing.

Metaphor for life and it's amazing to see such changes go by so quickly, as this year has done.






I am thrilled that a silly little hobby has turned into something that is paying my way to Africa this summer. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, but it's happening right in front of my eyes.

Thanks to everyone for your orders and support with Custom Kiddos. It's truly something that is blowing my mind and allowing me to be creative as well. Double blessing.

I am thankful for my job with HGO. I love going to a place that allows me to have a musical outlet, treats me like I'm a valued part of the family/team, and let's me sing with the best people from around the world. And what girl doesn't love dressing up! And get's paid to do it. I absolutely love it and am thankful for it each and every day I walk into the building.

 
How many people can honestly say that about their jobs? Not many, but I love that I can say that. That view of the opera house will never get old to me.


Most of all this year, I am thankful for my family and my friends. Thank you Bethany and Lynzy for being rocking sisters. I love how different our relationships are because I learn so much from both of you. You both are wonderful women, inspiring on so many different levels and pages of life. I'm thankful for you both.

Mom and dad, thank you for being the best parents a girl could ever want. Thank you for loving each other so intensely and honestly. Thank you for wanting the best for your family and always pushing us to go for it and make our dreams come true, whatever they may be. Thank you for always being unconditional.

Thank you to my best friends Jill and Hannah. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without you both in my life. You both know me so well, in different capacities and help me more than you'll ever know. There isn't a day I don't think about you and give thanks that you're in my life. Thank you for laughing with me, being silly with me, crying with me, going through daily life with me. God knew when and why He was placing both of you in my life. Truly thankful.

This year has been filled with wonderful memories, laughter, growth, opportunities both completed and still working on. It has also had it's challenges. I loved deeply this year, but it also brought deep heartache, which I truly don't know how to recover from. It has left me wounded. I always try to take good away from situations, but sometimes there are just no words. If I am being honest, which was the whole point of this blog 'removal of the mask', some days it has left my not believing. But at the end of the day and at the end of this year, 2013, What I do believe is:

God is Faithful.

God has a plan and it's not up to me to make it happen.

When I don't see God's hand, I have to trust His heart.

I have so much to be thankful for. 

I am going to take 2014 one day at a time. 

I'm thankful. 

Happy New Year!