Cries of a new life

Tonight I sit here, Satie at my side, the clock ticking away, with an overwhelming feeling of grace and blessings.

There's nothing that puts life back into perspective like witnessing the birth of a new life. Last night, I was able to witness a birth for the first time. Well, I was actually outside the door, but I was there up until and then after the birth of my best friend's baby. I haven't been alone all day; the day has been filled with teaching, hospital visits and dinner with a friend, but at the end of it all, I am sitting here completely overwhelmed and thankful for life, thankful for struggles that make me stronger, and thankful for a beautiful new 6 lbs baby boy.

As I think about a baby being born, I can't help but think about how I got to where I am today. I have made conscious decisions that have gotten me to this place. Decisions that have exceeded my expectations and fallen short; given me major set backs and major victories. But even through those decisions, there is always the opportunity to birth something new, something different. I've never felt actual labor pains before, but I have felt other kinds of pain. I have also experienced joy that surpasses all understanding. As I stood in the hall, listening to the screams of birthing pain, the joy of laughter, and the cries of a new life, I couldn't help but realize that life is summed up in that one precious moment.

Along with parenting, comes the duty of taking care of another person. I find it really interesting that even though I am single, I treat myself better when I am with other people, taking care of them. I love having people over for a good meal. I take a lot of time to prepare the menu, prepare the food, and make the whole experience as wonderful for them as possible. It brings me such joy to show love in all the details. I was able to do that tonight for one of my former students, who is now a very dear friend of mine. As I was preparing a delicious meal (if I do say so myself), I couldn't help but ask myself, "Why don't you make it a priority to do this for yourself, instead of just for others?" It made me stop chopping, to say the least.

Why don't I? I was very quiet today because of all the life experiences going on (it was a lot to take in), and in the stillness of it all, I have to come to the resolve that I am worth showing myself as much love as I am giving to others whom I love. I just have to do it. I was made for more than this. I have more to offer to others, when I offer myself the best. I can give my best to the Lord, when I get my priorities straight. Yes, I can love on people and I can love God, but in order to truly love Him and live the life I was meant to lead, I have to love me too.

One of my favorite things to do, is to write down lyrics to songs, especially in the moments when I don't know what to pray, what to think or what to do. Tonight the lyrics that are playing in my head are:

"In the secret, in the quiet place, in the stillness You are there.

In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait only for You cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You, I want to hear Your voice. I want to know You more.

I want to touch you, I want to see Your face.

I want to know you more."

This is my cry tonight.

Thank you Lord, that You are there. Thank you that in the moments of pain, You are there. Thank you that in the joy and laughter, You are there. And thank you that in the moments of stillness, You are so present and clear. Thank you that in my weakness, You are so strong.

Today was the first good eating day I have had in 2 weeks. Thank you, Lord.

I sign off with a lullaby that I send to baby Isaac, the new addition to the little loves of my life (he joins my Maddie, Nico, Ty and Hunter) and I sing Brahms' Lullaby to you too.

"Guten Abend, gute Nacht,

von Englein bewacht,

die zeigen im Traum

dir Christkindleins Baum.

Schlaf nun selig und süß

schau im Traum's Paradies."