And the sabotaging begins.

Well, three weeks into my 6 weeks maintenance program, I am already watching myself fail. I am learning that I am trying so hard to believe that I can do this, but I can't. This weekend was an ultimate low for me. I ate so much food that I was literally sick to my stomach. All the while, my soul (and my body) was SCREAMING for me to stop. But I couldn't. I was powerless to stop. How do you overcome an addiction, when you can't eliminate the addiction?

God is being so incredibly gracious to me through all of this. He has provided a new person in my life who I know is going to help me in this new phase of "lifestyle". Only God can orchestrate some things, and He is doing SO much to show me that it's only in His strength that I can do this.

I picked up the book that helped me start this journey, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, and I was looking for something to speak to me about truly overcoming this addiction. This quote hit a nerve that caused me to really think:

"We can’t have the mind-set of this being a hard, impossible sacrifice.

Focusing only on what we’re giving up will make us feel constantly deprived.

AND DEPRIVATION LEADS TO

DESPERATION, FRUSTRATION, AND FAILURE.

WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON EVERYTHING WE’RE GAINING THROUGH THIS PROCESS"

That's me. I am so stuck in the phase of being so utterly afraid of gaining this weight back, that I am sabotaging myself. I was made for so much more than this! I can do this, but not on my own strength. I am weak, but He is strong. All the little songs I was taught by my parents when I was a little girl have been singing in my head... full of truth that I need to keep singing. So long words of defeat that Satan is trying to speak over my life. God made me for more than this struggle and He's going to help me fight this until the very end!

Lysa wrote this incredible prayer. I hope it ministers to you, as it did to me.

"Dear Jesus,

I have finally found the courage to admit I’ve craved food more than You. I have wept over giving up food while hardly giving a thought to You giving your life for my freedom. I’ve been bound up by feelings of helplessness. I’ve been angry that I have to deal with this weight issue and have been mad at You for allowing this to the one of my lots in life. I’ve made excuses. I’ve pointed fingers. I’ve relied on food for things it could never give me. I’ve lied to myself about the realities of why I gain weight. I’ve settled and excused and made pithy comments justifying my issues. I’ve been enthralled by buttered bread while yawning through your daily bread.

For all that, I am so sorry. These are not just little issues. These for me, are sings – missing the mark of your best for my life. With my whole heart, mind and soul, I repent. I stand on this step and state at the reality of my depravity and turn. I turn from dieting mindset. I turn from what I must give up and weep no more. I remove my toe keeping open the door to my old habits and patterns, my old mind-set, my old go-to scripts.

I choose freedom. I choose victory. I choose courage. And yes, above all else, I choose You. Amen"