And the sabotaging begins.

Well, three weeks into my 6 weeks maintenance program, I am already watching myself fail. I am learning that I am trying so hard to believe that I can do this, but I can't. This weekend was an ultimate low for me. I ate so much food that I was literally sick to my stomach. All the while, my soul (and my body) was SCREAMING for me to stop. But I couldn't. I was powerless to stop. How do you overcome an addiction, when you can't eliminate the addiction?

God is being so incredibly gracious to me through all of this. He has provided a new person in my life who I know is going to help me in this new phase of "lifestyle". Only God can orchestrate some things, and He is doing SO much to show me that it's only in His strength that I can do this.

I picked up the book that helped me start this journey, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, and I was looking for something to speak to me about truly overcoming this addiction. This quote hit a nerve that caused me to really think:

"We can’t have the mind-set of this being a hard, impossible sacrifice.

Focusing only on what we’re giving up will make us feel constantly deprived.

AND DEPRIVATION LEADS TO

DESPERATION, FRUSTRATION, AND FAILURE.

WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON EVERYTHING WE’RE GAINING THROUGH THIS PROCESS"

That's me. I am so stuck in the phase of being so utterly afraid of gaining this weight back, that I am sabotaging myself. I was made for so much more than this! I can do this, but not on my own strength. I am weak, but He is strong. All the little songs I was taught by my parents when I was a little girl have been singing in my head... full of truth that I need to keep singing. So long words of defeat that Satan is trying to speak over my life. God made me for more than this struggle and He's going to help me fight this until the very end!

Lysa wrote this incredible prayer. I hope it ministers to you, as it did to me.

"Dear Jesus,

I have finally found the courage to admit I’ve craved food more than You. I have wept over giving up food while hardly giving a thought to You giving your life for my freedom. I’ve been bound up by feelings of helplessness. I’ve been angry that I have to deal with this weight issue and have been mad at You for allowing this to the one of my lots in life. I’ve made excuses. I’ve pointed fingers. I’ve relied on food for things it could never give me. I’ve lied to myself about the realities of why I gain weight. I’ve settled and excused and made pithy comments justifying my issues. I’ve been enthralled by buttered bread while yawning through your daily bread.

For all that, I am so sorry. These are not just little issues. These for me, are sings – missing the mark of your best for my life. With my whole heart, mind and soul, I repent. I stand on this step and state at the reality of my depravity and turn. I turn from dieting mindset. I turn from what I must give up and weep no more. I remove my toe keeping open the door to my old habits and patterns, my old mind-set, my old go-to scripts.

I choose freedom. I choose victory. I choose courage. And yes, above all else, I choose You. Amen"

I found a Doctor who'll give me what I want, so I made the appointment!

I'm overwhelmed by all the messages, texts, calls and words that have been sent my way. Some get what I'm going through, others don't. Regardless, I am learning that this is the FIGHT of my life.

I tell you, I sat on the couch last night and could not stop crying because all the doctors that I had tried to give me a note, fell through. I was angry, felt defeated, hopeless, questioning everything...! I called my dad WAY too late at night and just cried, and then like only a dad can do, he just started talking words of encouragement and motivation for me. My dad and mom have seen me struggle with this for my whole life, and we are all working on this issue in our lives. I was so thankful for my dad saying the things he did, but he said something that really put my mind in a hopeful place. It was as simple as "Laurelle, the studies aren't there for anything. There has to be a reason why they all think you should lose this last 10 lbs. There are thousands of successful stories and you're going to be one of them. This last 10 lbs is going to be the icing on the cake and the TRUE success for you." Nothing earth shattering, but open, honest and supportive. I know my parents love me and support me through the fat, skinny and everything in between, but especially from my dad, it was sweet.

You can't imagine how absolutely drop dead beautiful I was this morning, from all the tears last night, but I had a revelation about it all. It's not about being able to lose this 10 lbs. I know I can. I've done it before (though not in a healthy way), but I know I can. I have just been paralyzed by fear. I kept saying to dad last night, "I know I can maintain here, and I'm scared to get to a point that I won't be able to maintain because I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN THIS ALL BACK AGAIN!" It's a good kind of fear in one sense because the moment you forget where you were, is the moment you take the credit and "it will lead you back into your bondage" (Beth Moore). I am so afraid of gaining it back. I honestly haven't struggled getting this weight off. Sure it's been hard, but I have been committed to doing it and I've done it. I can say that God has taught me so much about myself, about issues I've had to deal with and so forth, but I've done the work. This last 10 lbs I cannot do on my own strength, and I know now, that I am on this journey of this last 10 lbs as a reminder that ONLY GOD can rescue me from my strongholds and bring me into a place of abundance and fulfillment.

It's always amazing to me truths that are spoken into our lives, at exactly the right moment, hearing exactly what you need to hear. Tonight, I got an earful! I was able to go to Bible study at church to hear Beth Moore speak on Deuteronomy - the Law of Love. Tonight was session 3 and it was for me!!! There are SOO many things I learned and was shown, that I couldn't write fast enough to get it all down, but here's the big nugget for me.

I need to fight the good fight!

I have to make it happen! God has given me all the tools to fight through this struggle, so that I can live in this life and be of use for His purpose for my life and display His glory.

DO THE WORK!

It doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

Scriptures to encourage:

"I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me!"

"He came to give us abundant life in CHRIST"

"He will work everything for the good!"

"Apart from Christ, I can do nothing"

I am on this earth to make an impact and give God the glory in my life. This last 10 lbs will be a struggle, but I am doing it with a whole new outlook and strength!

Deuteronomy 6:23

"But he brought us out from there (my bondage)

to bring us IN and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers."

In all of the encouragement, one of my friends messaged me and said that every time she see's a weight watchers commercial or anything to do with WW (and oh my word, there are a lot of them), she would pray for me. So I ask you to do the same! It's not on my own strength I can do this, but I know now that I can!!!

So, tomorrow morning, I will be calling the doctor to cancel that appointment, and I will win this, not on my own strength, but with HIS.

It’s time to quit: 10 more pounds to go and I can’t do it… Epic Fail

So here I am, almost 1½ years into this lifestyle change and I can’t do it anymore. I had the hardest time this past week. When I set out on this journey, I set a goal weight, which I never actually thought I would get to, but I accomplished this goal before Christmas and am so happy. Then I came to learn that in order to become a lifetime member for Weight Watchers, I was required to lose another 15 lbs. I have managed to do 5lbs, but this last 10 lbs, I don’t want to (right now at least) and I am really frustrated about it.

So this week at my weekly meeting, I took my leader aside and broke down in tears. She was so wonderful and said that because I am almost there and because I am so healthy now, all I needed to do was get a letter from my doctor saying that I am at a healthy weight. I felt a wave of relief like I’ve never felt when she said that.

Then I got home and got to thinking about it, talked to my mom and my best friend about it and they were both in support of be getting the doctors note, but I feel like an utter failure because of this. I’m not sure what I can do. Even though I have accomplished more than I set out to do, I feel like it’s not good enough. I feel like I am giving up if I don’t do this last 10 lbs. I feel like 73.2 lbs isn’t worth anything if I can’t get to someone else’s goal. No matter what, it’s always “you have to be thinner” or “it’s only 10 more”. REALLY?!

I have been wearing this bracelet for the past 6+ months. It’s the Dr Oz bracelet, which is a reminder that simply losing 10% of your body weight makes all the difference. I not only have done 10%, but I’ve lost 50% of my original size. I keep wearing this thing to remind me that it’s just 10 lbs, but I feel defeated. I haven’t come all this way to quit. I haven’t come all this way to not become a lifetime member, because I rely on that accountability to be successful and I’m honestly tired of paying for it. But I also haven’t come this far to feel like I’m failing, just because I don’t get to weight that they tell me is healthy.

Now I wrestle with this and … don’t know what to think. Is enough, enough? Or will it ever be?

2012 - The year of RELEASE!

I didn't realize I have not been on here in forever! What a journey the past 3 months have been! Time flies, especially when you let it pass you by. All I have to say, is that God has been smacking me (with love) upside the head over and over again, especially since we've hit 2012.

I'm so thankful for it too. God is more real to me today and speaking more clearly, than I can ever recall! I have been being confronted and spoken to by so many people. Some people who I am close to and others, who are complete strangers. They are speaking God's truth into my life, so whoever He has to speak through is fine with me.

Here are the CLEAR messages that God has been speaking through people, directly to me.

- God has immeasurably more than I can even imagine in store for me. I need to stop settling for less than God's best.

- I have been getting in the way of my own prayers by staying "stuck" in the desert - God has taken me OUT of situations and because of my own choices, I have not moved INTO the promise land for the BEST that He has for me.

- I NEED TO STAND UP IN MY FAITH - I ask God to do things but I don't really believe He's going to do them. Along with this, I heard a great message today by James MacDonald and he quoted, "People will miss getting to heaven by 18 inches"... talking about the disconnect between the mind and heart. Oh, that has been me!

- God is also using this amazing woman to hold me accountable and love on me, in a way that I never saw coming. She takes the time to always ask how I am doing, she is vulnerable and honest with me, and ... I am so thankful! Jill Hofer, you are the mentor I have always prayed for and wanted. You make me a better woman. You make me think before I do things (because I know I'm gonna end up telling you), and you have more of an impact than you'll ever know! I am thankful for you!

- Tonight I went to hear Beth Moore at HFBC for her new study on Deuteronomy (The Law of Love) and she said 2 things that I LITERALLY PRAYED WORD FOR WORD this morning! She said "Stand in truth and be obedient" and "You are exactly where you should be". Words that to anyone else may not mean anything, but they were confirmation that God hears my prayers. God clearly told me and confirmed to me that He knows my thoughts. I was praying this morning for some very specific things and I got to one subject and I did not even pray it, but I just thought it. Within one hour of thinking it, it was completely answered. Incredible!

God is alive! God is teaching me SO much. Tonight I was so thrilled to be sitting with one of my favorite ladies in the church, being fed the word of God; first with sweet worship and then with TRUTH from the word! This is the year that I need to release some things! God wanted me there tonight, so I was there. God has been saying things to me; I am listening and I HEAR, and I CHOOSE to go where He is leading me. I don't have anything to offer, other than a vessel for Him to carry out whatever He's going to do / wherever He is going to put me! So I ask: "Where is God pointing me/ what is He pointing at?" I say this to Jill all the time and it's true today, "I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but I know I'm supposed to be here today." And this is my launching pad...

I will do what I was told to do tonight and "Lean my head on Him and not pick it up until I see what He see's."

"Music Inspired by the Story"- Broken Praise (Job)

"Will you hold me?

Will you stay so I can raise this broken praise to You?

But You are the One who'll fill my cup,

and You are the One who'll let it spill.

So blessed be Your Holy name,

if You never fill it up again.

If this is where my story ends,

just give me one more breath to say:

HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH"

Jill and Me at the Bolin Wedding - July 2011

"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!"

The Chris Farley SNL skit "Lay off me I'm starving" always makes me laugh! Ain't it true though that sometimes you just get starving for something and no matter what that craving is, it brings you back to your breaking point?

It's so awesome how God moves in each of our lives. I find that God is moving stronger and clearer in my life, particularly when He takes everything away that I have used to define my life. Take this last week for instance. I have come to a new place to work for 5 weeks and on the first day, I found myself in a meeting with the head people crying because I was in so much physical pain. I was not able to start off on the right foot because of physical limitations. As soon as I start feeling better in that area, I was smacked in the face with Bronchitis. There's no fighting things that you can't help. But I tell you, in my literal weakness, I am craving something fierce. I have nothing to offer other than what God does in my life. If it means that I can't sing for this first week, may I stay completely humbled and hungering more time with Him.

My best friend, Hannah, and I are doing a new bible study together while I'm gone. Over the past year, I have had the honor of sitting and studying under Tammie Head, founder of Totally Captivated Ministries. She recently wrote the study called "Duty or Delight?" and it is perfect for these next few weeks for me to be doing. What was the topic today? Nothing other than having a hunger for God. I love how God keeps putting these wonderful things in my path to keep be on track. First it was "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst, and now it's "Duty or Delight?".

Some key things that hit me tonight were: "Beware of seeking satisfaction through denial alone." Ain't that the truth? When people ask me how I've lost weight, they always assume that I am denying myself everything. That's why I love Weight Watchers. I am learning how to be healthy and live within boundaries as opposed to a quick fix that won't sustain at all. In this study, it talks about the Israelites and their wandering for 40 years. They wanted a quick fix of having food and wanted to go back to slavery in order to have it. Tammie says it so well with "The process - I'd rather have fast freedom in stead of slow freedom." She also says "The people needed not only to observe His Mighty works, but also to learn to depend upon Him for the necessities of life. Ultimately they needed to understand that all would be accomplished by God's own power and not by their ability. Often we fail to recognize that waiting forces desperation. When we are desperate, we become willing to listen to whatever God says. God considers the lapse of time between slavery and freedom critical."

That is the key for me. I had a co-worker say to me the other day, "Laurelle, you'd better not gain all this weight back again!", to which I was ticked off, but at the same time, there's an underlying truth to it. The difference this time with the weight loss, is that I have never travelled this journey to this capacity before. I have learned more about life and love and God in the past 10 months of my life than I have learned anything before. This is the journey of my life from slavery to freedom. It's not about "cheating" on my diet, or "gaining all the weight back"... it's about keeping my priorities straight and constantly seeking to fill up on the Holy Spirit to keep me sustained and on this journey. It's not easy, but I see the promise land. I can only stay there by His grace. I claim freedom in His name alone. Not in the hard work that I have done, but in the grace He has given me to accomplish this journey, and I'm still starving for more!

What's your breaking point?

This blog thing has been so interesting for me to do and to get feedback on. I know I have not been consistent with my posts, but I am finding out that it is resonating with a lot of people. I never know what to write, but I know that today's topic is something to write about because it has been something many people have messaging and asking me about.

"What was your breaking point?"

Story of my life... that was my breaking point. Let's start by counting all the diets I have done.

1. Optifast

2. Slimfast

3. LA Weightloss

4. Not eating

5. Diet pills

6. Master cleanse

7. Atkin's diet

8. The Master's Diet

9. Weight Watchers (this is my third time on it, but the first time I haven't quit in the first 2 months... been on this since November 2010)

10. Name it... I think I've tried it at least once.

So, what was the breaking point this time? Honestly, because I thought it would make a boy love me. Did it work... nope, we don't talk anymore. Then I started going to counseling to get to the bottom of what my problem was.... I didn't really love me, let alone someone else loving me!

I will share a story of when I really hit rock bottom. I will never forget it... it's probably the lowest point I have ever been at with my weight and I will never forget the feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I was sitting on my cot at the YMCA in NYC, doing a round of auditions. I bunch of things were going on in life and I felt like I had no control over what I was facing and had no idea how to deal with it. I went to my favorite cupcake place in NYC earlier that afternoon and brought back my "therapy" for the night. I sat there and ate 12 cupcakes, on the bed, by myself. I took the picture of the cupcakes when I was 1/2 way done eating them and sat there and cried. I was trying to numb the pain. How many times have you done that with something? I didn't want to, nor did I know how to deal with life. So, I ate something I liked until I was sick. That was December 2007. I yo-yo dieted on and off after that, but I was never committed to dealing with the root of the problem.

Fast forward to November 2010... I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time with one my of girl friends, and I just felt so uncomfortable in my body. I tried to pose for the pictures and walk around to have a good time, but all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was. I didn't know what to do, but I just decided to go back and join Weight Watchers. Slowly but surely, the program works. If it doesn't work for you, it's because you're not being honest with yourself. That's it. End of scene. I can say that, because it's the story of my life. A wise man said to me "When you know better, you do better" I did start it in November because I was tired of feeling unloved, and I wanted someone else to love me. This process is teaching me to love myself. That's why I am doing it. I finally realize that I am worth the struggle, and let me say that this is a struggle. However, each day it becomes less of a struggle and more of my lifestyle. Everyone can tell you "You're beautiful no matter what size you are" or "You can do it!" but it's only when you believe it for yourself and can say it to yourself, that change is attainable.

So I share this with you tonight because I want better for my life. I want better for you too! We can all do better and be better and help each other! I don't want to get to the place where I break again. With God's strength, I don't have to, and neither do you! Start today! I start new every day.

If I'm really going to be honest, or not!

I have to tell you that I have not been completely honest. When people have been asking me how I'm doing with my eating and all, and I say "I'm doing fine", that has not been truthful. Honestly, I have been so unsettled about my food choices over the past month. Thankfully, I have not gained weight, but in more cases than not, I have gone to sleep at the end of the day completely unsatisfied, sometimes still hungry, sometimes so incredibly stuffed... fill in the blanks. I need to thank those of you who have messaged me and encouraged me to get back on here and continue the journey. My "lack of communicating" has been because I have been distracted.

There always seems to be a reason why I put off dealing with this. Whether it be being distracted by work, by people, by myself.... here I am again, venturing on this journey. I lay it out for my own benefit and for others to walk with me in what they are dealing with. Let's just all walk together and be stronger for it.

I was so excited when I woke up this morning. Everyone knows that I love watching "The View" and today (even though it was a re-run) Miss South Carolina, Bree Bryce, was on. She lost 112 lbs without having any procedures done and I thought... I LOVE IT! I wanted to be Miss America when I was a little girl. (That's me in the picture when I was 9 years old. It hung on my wall until I was MUCH older) We used to tape it every year and I would watch those videos over and over until I knew it forward and backwards. Truth be told, I could never be her because I wasn't an America, but now that I am... ;) Ha. I remember watching as a little girl and thinking, well I'll never look like her, so I'll just sit here and watch her. That seems so sad to me, but I lived behind that mentality. I sometimes still do live behind that mentality. Dang it, if I want to be Miss America... well, I guess I'm a little old for that now, but don't they have a Mrs America pageant? I guess I just have to get my degree in the MRS department first.

I thought about it all morning and then went out to the pool this afternoon and was reading my book for this whole journey, "Made to Crave" and yet again, Lysa hits it right on the head with the chapter I read. Chapter 9 "But Exercise Makes Me Want to Cry". Here are the quotes that stuck out to me:

• It's amazing how love can motivate us
• Halfhearted efforts only produce mediocre results
• I stood in front of the mirror trying to determine whether or not I should just resign myself to being out of shape.
• In the quiet of my heart, I wasn't settled
• But it was God's strength replacing my excuses step by step by step
• When it comes to my body, I can't live with divided loyalties. I can either be loyal to honoring the Lord with my body or loyal to my cravings, desires, and many excuses for not exercising
• In the spiritual sense, when I'm not taking care of my body, I feel much more weighed down by my stress and problems. I have less energy to serve God and more thorny emotions to wade through when processing life.
• I've learned to embrace the benefits instead of resisting the hardships
• It's amazing how love motivates us - especially when it's God's unreserved love matched with our undivided hearts

Talk about nuggets of truth! Lysa Terkeurst is right on. The more I read this book, the more I am so thankful to have found it. In this chapter, Haggai 1:7-9 is brought up. It reads:

"This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house,

so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord.

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little.

What you brought home, I blew away. Why?"

declares the Lord Almighty.

"Because of my house, which remains in ruin,

while each of you is busy with his own house."

Honestly, I have been focusing on other things. Thankfully, my efforts have not been returned completely void. God is so good and is showing Himself so incredibly strong. Thank you, LORD! I will not offer up second best. This journey is my offering. I want to offer only the best to You! I know that's what you want for my life. This journey is between me and God. I pray for a renewal in my commitment to stay dedicated to offering my life up. May anyone who is reading this find comfort in the shelter of the Most High. He wants to help you along your path too. To all of us, "He stands at the door and knocks"... I choose to answer and keep walking forward.