Lie #3 - I can't help others when I'm still struggling.

 Do you ever feel trapped by your own circumstances? I do! I especially with being open and vulnerable when talking to others about becoming healthy and finding my way through the valleys of this journey. Being totally open and honest, I didn't give it 100% in my fight this week because I let myself listen to voices telling me that I can't help others because it's something I haven't figured out. It's still something I struggle with. Daily. Can you help people with things you still struggle with? This was a big lie I digested this week and struggled through. The answer is YES. 

Yes, I can. No one has ever reached the know-all with anything. If you are going to relate to people and work through things with people who truly knows what it's like to be in the same battle, it will always be with people who aren't at the finish line. It won't always be the struggle that it is today, but it can and will get easier. It also means that I can help people as long as I am going to be honest about the journey and where I am. It's only when we hide and try to make it seem like we have it all together that it gets cloudy and hypocritical. 

So, tonight I will start going through "Made to Crave" with my first group of women. I pray that we can all grow from this, learn from it and get different perspectives that will help us Crave the Lord more than food. More than life. More than anything else. I'm excited. 

Lie #2 - I don't need to lose weight. I'm fine the way I am.

How I wish this was something I didn't have to deal with. I've prayed, cried, ignored, fought with this lie most of my life but I'm coming to terms with the truth of that lie now... I am fine the way I am. But I know I'm not living up to my full potential when I weigh as much as I do. Until I choose to embrace that and actually do something about it, I'll continue to live in a cycle of not feeling my best. 

Why do we choose to do anything other than our best? I mean, really! We live in a culture that tells you to accept everything and give yourself "grace" for everything. I have masked the word "grace" with "justified" as to why I have not done the work that needs to be done. When I think back to when I felt the best in my life, it was when I WORKED AT IT! And I worked hard at it. I also had the time to do that. I didn't have a husband and 4 kids, ages 4 and under. I don't know if I'm alone here, but I so badly want to feel my best and look my best, but I fail to put the actual work into it. I want to will it to happen. Call me crazy, but that's what I have to combat. I also have to combat that I don't have time to do the work. It will never look like what it did, but if I say to myself that I don't have time, it'll get justified again and not dealt with. 

I have made an observation in the past month of re-joining WW. I know this plan works because I have done it before. The reason I choose to do this program is because it allows me to have the most "normal" food choices and lifestyle that I can. I don't want my kids growing up hearing me ever say that word diet. It's a cursed and messed up word. I am on a plan that gives me flexibility and options- and no I'm not getting paid by them to say that. If you're not a WW fan, do what works for you. Any plan will work if you actually do it. It's the lifestyle mentality that works for me with what I chose. ANYWAYS - the observation is that the more I eat well, the less I feel that I need to eat more of anything. I know this isn't anything new, but when I eat food that I'm allowed to eat but isn't healthy, I almost immediately feel too full, bloated or weighed down. When I simply forgo foods that aren't natural, my body automatically feels lighter and free. Free from the weight of crappy food. It's another way of saying, "Anything is permissible but not everything is beneficial"... ya, that's for real! 

So the journey continues to lose weight. I am fine right where I am, but I want more than that for myself. I've forgotten what it feels like, so I'm on the hunt for it again. I do remember that it's an awesome feeling, but I have to remember that it's not going to happen magically. It will work when I make the changes I know I need to make. Those changes are different for everyone. I don't want to spend my whole lifetime making excuses. I've done that enough. 

2021 - Facing the lies I've believed about myself - Lie #1: I shouldn't share this with you...

 This is the year - 2021. I'm still wearing a mask, and it's not the one you think I'm talking about. It's the invisible one I've refused to take off.  I am going to take this whole year (January 1- December 31) to face the lies and the mask that I've believed, thought about, flirted with and laughed at. There are so many of them, I don't even know where to begin. It's a mask that needs to me taken off and thrown out!

I heard a great lesson yesterday at church about repentance. I have to confess that I am great at offering up generic prayer requests when it comes to dealing with the things that I really "want" to deal with for my health journey. It goes something like this: "Dear Lord, forgive me for failing yesterday at eating. Please give me the strength to do it better today." The realization that I've had, was that refusing to dig deeper as to why I was really failing at dealing with my health, was where the root of the problem was. 

And so today, I start digging. 

Lie #1 - I shouldn't share this journey of losing weight with anyone because they'll judge me, especially if I fail or fall of the wagon at any point. 

Here's the thing. You are going to judge no matter what I do or don't share. It's what we do, whether we want to admit it or not. I don't like that I do it either. Weight is one of the biggest things we immediately jump to conclusions with. And here's another truth - being over-weight has immediate indications that you probably deal with a lot of your life issues with food. At least that's what I have found. 

I hate the word over- weight probably because I have been deemed that most of my life. I was deemed that by my uncle who called me "Miss Teen FAT USA" when I used to dream of someday being in a pageant. I was also deemed over-weight when I really wanted to wear a "Jasmin" costume in musical theater camp when we were performing Aladdin that would show my stomach but instead I was put in a glorified potato sack. I get it. Doesn't make any of it right, but those are 2 memories I have when I was a little girl that still sit with me. Fast forward 20 years and I was still deemed over-weight when I got to lifetime membership with Weight Watchers and weighed 165 lbs and wore a size 6. I had to get a note from my doctor saying that I was indeed healthy and NOT over-weight. So according to all the numbers, statistics and culture lifestyles, I have been and will be over- weight for my entire life. 

I share that not to wallow or stew, but to say- I'm not subscribing to that anymore. I will never say someone is "Fat" or "over-weight" because of what those words are associated with. They're disgusting words to me that are mostly used to put people down. Words that I use to put myself down. I will say that I'm on the journey of and for my life to be comfortable IN my body. It is not a number that I dictate to myself or a number that anyone else tells me I need to be. 

So here we go - my story is important, and so is the journey. Someone needs to hear it, even if it's just me. Facing the demons and legions of lies surrounding me are going to bring me life. I claim that for this year. Will you claim it with me? 

2020 The year that closed the doors

 As the year that opened our eyes to a lot of things comes to an end, I'm choosing to be hopeful as to what 2021 will be. Sitting here, looking back over the past year, I feel as though I have lost my voice. That says a lot for a woman who literally used her voice as her career, her calling, and her identity. I have never felt as lonely as I have in the past year. I have never worked so hard to combat that, but when I sit down to look at the reality of what has happened personally, spiritually, globally and to literally everyone, I am choosing to turn off the sound, sit and wait. I'm not good at that. I don't like doing that. But I know that's what needs to happen. I don't know what all that means, but what I do know is that I'm ready to move on. It's scary, vulnerable and hopeful all at the same time. Here's to 2021- the year to disconnect in order to once again, connect. 

A second rate life.

Why does the world scream messages of confusion? Messages that tell me what I am doing with my life leaves something to be desired. What about the career? What about the Master's Degree you just paid off? What are you doing with your life now?

The world wants me to believe that I can do it all. Be a wife, be a mom, work a job, volunteer.... and the list continues. "Make something of yourself. Don't lose yourself." Yep, I get it. Now, there is absolute truth to some of that, especially the part of not losing one's self. Marriage and babies take work. A lot of work. And not the pretty work either. The biggest blessing God can ever give, but so much more too.

Truth is, I can't do it all. There really is a season for everything. Do I want to do it all? Yes. Do I look back on the things I've accomplished and dream of the day I'll have that again? Sure. But that's never going to happen. That season is gone. I heard someone say, "EVERYTHING is a season, except for Jesus." Think about that for a minute. If I let that actually sink in, that is a game changer. I don't have to think that my degree is wasted. I don't have to believe that being a stay at home mom is a second rate job and I'd really be happier going back to work. I mean, I love what I do (did) but when I look at my babies and feel the weight of the responsibility that has been given to me, that far out weights anything I've done up until now. And better yet, it's ok to miss those things. I loved it and was good at it. But what's next...

In asking these questions and weeding through all the emotions, choosing to believe that the best is ahead and not behind, I need to stop trying to make the path happen. Anything that has brought meaning to my life has been because God made it happen. Anything that has been successful, has been because I let it go and let God work through me. Man, I want more of that. I am starting to learn the meaning of losing myself, but gaining God's plan for my life. That's no easy lesson. But oh there's excitement in that. He's never failed me and He never will.

How could I ask for more - Christy Nockels, Be Held: Lullabies for the Beloved.

"There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned from this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong
'Cause there are questions without answers and flames that never die
And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguiseSo thank you, Lord, oh thank you, Lord
And yeah, how could I ask for more?"

It’s not about me. It’s not about you. So get over it!

I don’t even remember the last time I sat down to type something out, but sometimes when you finally get the strength together to be honest, real and transparent, you just HAVE to declare the goodness of the Lord for RESTORING JOY.

There are MANY things that have been stirring in my heart lately. I know many of you know of my lifelong journey with Weight Watchers and now my new obsession with my air fryer, but God has been moving in my personal life and I just had to share it. I learned (when I was in Africa 4 years ago) that when God prompts you to share, don’t say you’re going to and then not. Share it immediately! You need to declare His goodness, and someone needs to hear it. Someone else is sitting in that boat too.

Yesterday was an interesting 4th of July. It flooded big time here in Houston, so we were stuck indoors all day long. I looked back in my yearly memories on FB, and saw the past 4 years... 2015 - in Breckenridge with Christian. 2016 Colton was 7 weeks old.  2017 Annie Grace was 2 weeks old and this year, we were bribing the kids to say “CHEESE” for our celebratory picture. Oy! Getting kids to look in the same direction AND smile at the camera = nearly impossible. Anyways, all that to say, 4 years of a lot of change and I’ll even be brave enough to say 3 years of saying to myself, “where are you?”. I had lost touch with who I was. With who I wanted to be. Not as a wife, or a mom
or a friend.... as me. All the voices were screaming loud and clear: Your best years of your SELF are behind you. Being a stay at home mom is second rate to making a name for yourself with your career, bank account and what you hold dear. If you aren’t singing, then what? .... I could keep writing, but let’s just sum it up with, I was void of DEEP joy. No, it wasn’t postpartum. It was self justifying life as I saw it.

This year has been life changing for me. I went back to Weight Watchers the week before Christmas (2017) and started making ME a priority. In the Fall of 2017, I also joined Divine Design at Tallowood. We hadn’t joined there yet, but I knew I needed to surround myself with godly women, old and young, who ‘got’ this phase of life. It pushed me to find the light again.

Joining any Weightloss program is so interesting to me. I have chosen to wear it on my sleeve because it brings me freedom. Some people say “You didn’t need it”, while others say “good for you” ... I did it because I NEEDED it! Since joining, I have lost count of friends who have joined too because of my openness to it all. I used to try to do it alone and fell over and over again. I am so thankful and happy to link arms with any and everyone who jumps in the boat with me. I refuse to accept that my best years of feeling healthy, looking good and being able to truly hold my head up WITHOUT WEARING A MASK, are all behind me. No! I don’t declare that for my life. I don’t declare it for any of you either. And most importantly, GOD doesn’t declare that for us either! Thank you LORD!

Today’s passage in my “Cultivate Joy” Write the Word journal - Isaiah 61:1-3
“The spirit of the sovreign Lord is up me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who greive in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor”

WHACK! That hit me so hard today, in the best way! And I’m going to be so bold as to declare that God always declares the year to be a year of HIS favor! This year, I am CLAIMING freedom from this burden of weight. It’s not about a number. It’s about being the best I can be, and the best I can be is NOT being uncomfortable in my own skin. BESTOW means: to put to use, to put in a particular or appropriate place, to convey as a gift. Man, I want to wear that crown. You can’t wear a crown when you’re playing in your own ashes. Or even worse, living in them.

So what do you need to claim today? Reach out and claim it. You’re not alone. Reach out to someone you look up to. Reach out to someone who teaches you how to be a better you. You look up to them for a reason. I’m so thankful for those who I can do that to. Claim victory in HIS name because it’s the only thing that will bring lasting Joy. I pruned a LOT of life back, but am so thankful for it, because now I’m starting to see the changes for HIS SPLENDOR. Just like the little mint plant that had been deemed as DEAD when I brought it home, pruned it, and it’s coming back to life.... that me. And that’s life. 

A year of love like none other- Colton's 1st year

 I find it so interesting that I have not written a blog since before Christian and I were married.  Oh how things change in the blink of an eye...

Today I took Colton for his one year check up.  He weighs 24.75 lbs and is in the 91%. He is 30.5" tall and in the 74%. And his head is 19.29 inches and is in the 98.8%....  needless to say, we have a very healthy boy who is smart and funny and kind. I had no idea that a little boy could have so much personality in his first year. He never ceases to amaze me with all that he can do and all that he understands.



As I look back over this year of being a new mom, life is nothing like I thought it would be. Being that I started babysitting when I was 12 years old, I thought I would do just fine with being a mother and it would be a breeze. It is nothing like what you think it's going to be like. Life is constantly changing for him and for our family. I have never been looked at so deeply by anybody. Looking at him back makes me want to weep, laugh, to try harder, to do better, to be present in every moment of the day and be the best wife I can be.

Family time is something we work so hard at being one of our top priorities.  Watching Christian be a daddy is so incredibly humbling. Since I never had brothers, seeing that special relationship between father and son is the most precious thing...  Colton loves his daddy so much and there is nobody in the world I can imagine being on this journey with. That by itself is a whole other level of love and appreciation.

 Has this journey been easy? Not at all. It has hands-down been the hardest thing I have ever done. I've never cried harder, felt more defeated, been more tired,  or truly have no idea what I was doing … But all of those things don't really matter because nothing has been more rewarding either.

 As we were out of town this last weekend on our final family trip before we have our sweet little Annabel, I tried to take in every moment. I was overwhelmed with how many people have loved on our family and our son in the past year. I am so thankful.  I am thankful for the heart ache and the changes that I didn't always want to make, but I know God is leading our family in the right direction with His plan and His timing. That's always the better thing anyways!

 So now we will be starting a few new chapters in our family. First with the arrival of Annabel in the next three weeks, and then some other pretty big changes are just around the corner...  always changing, always open, ever listening.

God is faithful.  God is so good. We are thankful....

When you're not looking... WATCH OUT! You may be getting the deepest desires of your heart.

Tonight I am sitting in my parents home in Pennsylvania, laying by the fire, spending an evening alone and quiet. I have wanted to get back on here for a while, but time flies when you're having the time of your life... And I can truly say, that's been me.

I just read my last blog and all I can do is tell you that I just cried reading it. God gave me the desires of my heart, just like He promises to do when we give it up to Him. Anyone who knows me knows the heartache and the struggles I've gone through. Many of you have walked me through those times. I wanted to tell you the gift that He gave me, since many of you don't know the details of the love story that normally is told in books... He gave that to me.

It wasn't without tears and tons of hard work that God put me on a mission trip to Africa this summer. There are a few people who can truly attest to the fact that up until the last moment (literally the night before) that I DID NOT want to go. There were silly but very real things that stole my joy and desire to go on the trip leading up to it, and I was not in the least bit looking forward to it. I got on the bus to the airport with the rest of the choir and orchestra and we embarked on a trip across the world. The funny fact that started it off was during our checking in at security, the security guard gave his number to one of my friends on the trip and asked her to give it to me. I turned to my friend and I said, "I'm gonna find me a husband in Africa!".... Little did I know, that would happen.

A few days into our trip, my joy had been restored and I was able to worship and offer my gifts in a way that humbled me and gave me a purpose. Oh how things so easily distract us from serving our purpose of offering our lives. One evening, a few of us decided it was a good idea to go look for monkeys... I invited Christian and his roommate to go along with us girls. We had never talked to each other more than "hey, what's up" ... And yet we have sung in the same church choir for 5 years. We knew of each other but it was not God's timing. To no avail, we returned to the dining hall without having seeing any monkeys, but it was the beginning of the best love story. The 5 of us sat down to dinner and I sat across from Christian and all I could think was "where have you been my whole life"? I will never forget that moment...

From that moment on, we both knew there was something special and God has been writing the story of Christian and I from that moment on. There are so many things that I could write about, but some things are better left unsaid, are special moments we have had, and maybe I'll share them when it's the right time, but for now, I will say that I never saw it coming.

Tonight, I was working on a craft (big surprise, I know) and I was listening to the Christian radio station that mom left on for me. Pastor James McDonald was talking ironically about when you feel like God has forgotten you, when you don't think He remembers the deepest desire of your heart. I could do nothing but sit there and simply say "thank YOU". I cried that out to the Lord for so many years. I didn't know what His plan was. I tried to make my own plans. They failed because I tried to do it alone. This summer, one month before I met the man I will be with for the rest of my life with, I said "I'm done with all of this, Lord" and I meant it. I was done with the heartache, I was done with the trying and failing. I just couldn't bear any of it anymore. I said my final goodbyes to those who I knew I had been holding onto for security (or there lack of) and I gave it up.

I never saw any of it coming because I had stopped looking. Now all of these things made sense that I'd heard for years... You'll find him when you're not looking... When you know, you know.... On and on. But it is true. The Lord heard my every prayer, He saw my every tear, He carried every heartache and He brought the man I had stopped believing existed, right to me. In the middle of Africa.

I am learning more and more about God's grace and His goodness. More than I thought I'd ever be capable of knowing. I love a man deeper than I ever thought or knew was possible. And I am so honored to be on this journey and new chapter of life with him.

You are not alone. You are have not been forgotten. He knows the deepest desire of your heart. His timing.

What is wrong with this dating scene?

First and foremost, this is not going to be a rant of bitterness and self-wallowing because that is what I hate reading and hearing most among single people. "No one will go on a date with me" .... blah blah blah. Tell it to your mom. No one will date you because all you do is wallow in the fact that no one will date you. That's why no one will date you.

Moving on.

So here is my reality as a single, successful, independent, pretty (am I allowed to say that about myself without having a big head, because I don't say it like that) 32 year old woman. Everyone says, "You'll find him when you're not looking." and that was true. I did find him, and he broke my heart. It happens. I've moved on and done everything in my power to not resent what happened. In my efforts to just not "kissed dating goodbye" (which that's a whole other topic), I joined match. I have had many friends who have had success in meeting their wonderful partners and I thought, well, why not. I don't meet people at my jobs, and I'd rather do that than go to a bar or club or something else that is not me.


The past 6 months:
Date no 1 - Guy INVADED my personal space without being invited... Phone call to sister sobbing my eyes out.

Date no 2 - Last text before our meeting to go out: Him: "Have you ever dated outside your race?" Me: "Yes. Why would that be a problem?" Him: "Take care, no desire to meet you anymore." Me: "So you're a racist?" Him: "No, I wouldn't say that." Me: "Happy Martin Luther King Day!" Him: "Ya, he seemed like a nice guy." Me: "WHAT? Take care, dude." ... Phone call to sister saying "WHAT THE?"

Date no 3: Valentine's day.... stood up.... Text to sister unable to form words because of true heartache. I looked beautiful too.

Date no 4: 32 minutes late. Nice guy, but not looking for the same things. No biggie. Nice guy and good conversation. 32 minutes late. Also, note to people who do online dating... please only use recent photos. Your picture from 5 years ago looks nothing like you now.

When I tell people these stories, they ask if I'm being honest. Yes! That is what is out there. That has been my experience. I go to a church where the singles group is HUGE and by huge I mean HUGE, but there is something SORELY lacking in what I've experienced there. I'm not interested in "hanging out" because you're too nervous to ask me out. I'm not joining a Sunday school class solely, so I can get asked out on a date. I'm not coming to your event because I know you're interested and you won't believe me when I say, I'm not interested. No hurt feelings. Just act normal!

There should be rules as to what non-single people ask or say to singles.
"Why are you not married?"
 "You need to _______".
"You shouldn't ______."
"I'm praying that God brings you a mate THIS year" ... I have had many family members and friends create their own timeline for me. I truly appreciate that you care, but how can you create my timeline?
"You should only date divorced people. You need someone who messed up and learned their lesson."
... I get these comments more frequently than you have any idea.

... the list goes on. The prayers go on. The crying texts/ phone calls continue. That's called reality and life. And it's all ok.

But this is what I am learning BIG time. There are some pretty awesome single men and women who are out there, and that is NOT a bad thing. I am learning, that the more I date, or try to date, the more I am learning what I don't want. I am learning that God has planted a seed in my heart to be an awesome single woman... and that's ok. I thank you for your concern and prayer, support when I'm lonely and laughs when it is just not working out. I'm most thankful for no words when there are silent tears and hugs when my heart is breaking. That is all part of life.

I want to live on God's timeline for my life. I have been hearing Him speak more to me than ever before and my job is to listen, stand tall and do what I am being asked to do. That means to live as an example of what it means to be the strong, single lady so that my students can confide in me about their boy problems... because they know I understand. It means standing along side my single friends (men and women) and saying "Don't compromise on what you want and what is the BEST for you!" That means getting outside of my personal bubble of living only for me (which is really easy to do as a single person) and invest in the lives of every single person I come in contact with. I have the time to do it... Give your life away to bring others to life.

I write this with tears streaming down my face. Some of sadness. Some of unbelief. Some of laughter for the days that have been and the days yet to come. It's not always easy being single, but no one has it perfect. However, we all have a calling on our lives and for right now, mine is to be single lady. And I'm thankful. Only God knows the deepest desires of my heart and only He can make it happen.

I give up. Can't do it anymore. Don't want to do it anymore. I just want to not care anymore. Done.

That's where I was when I woke up this morning. When's the last time you were there? I'm telling you, if I had 1/4 of a penny for every time I wanted to not have to care about my weight, think about what I was eating, figure out how to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'll never change and I'd be better off just quitting fighting the battle that rages, I'd be RICH! Filthy rich.

Then something comes along just when you need it to, to say...no no no, you're not done. And that would be God. Whether you believe He exists or not, I'm telling you, He is alive and well and working in me. Today, I was 'over it' in this battle and probably would have embarked on an epic binge of all of my favorite foods to 'reward' myself with coming to this conclusion. But God placed 2 people in my lap today, unsolicited, that both reached out to me because of their eating struggles. One who has struggled with anorexia for years and years, and the other who re-joined Weight Watchers and needed some food ideas.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you, I sit on the opposite side of that and am saying in my heart "if you only knew how much I struggled with this still, you'd not be talking with me about it." On the other hand, if I wasn't open and honest about it, you wouldn't know that I need help just as much as you do.

We all have struggles. We all have triumphs. We all have heartaches. We all have fits of pure joy. I don't begin to understand any of it, but I understand myself enough to know that I will never wear a mask about this. I'll fight it until the day I die, but as I learned and was reminded tonight in bible study, I have been given breath because God DELIGHTS to give it to me. When Beth said that, I nearly lost my marbles. God DELIGHTS in giving me life? I don't deserve that. I fail at life ALL the time. I fail! Sometimes I even want to fail. Am I allowed to say that?

More than that, I WANT TO LIVE. I don't ever want to be the person known as:
1. She wallowed all the time because she was single.
2. She is married to the most wonderful person, but just wanted to have a baby.
3. She has a beautiful baby, but wanted one more.
4. Fill in the blank with something that is your deepest desire.

We live in a world of comparison. Wanting more than we have and even deserve. There are times when I think it's ok to cry about these things, but it's more important to be thankful for the true gifts that we have. I don't need to fail or compare my life to others or need for anything else than being in the will of the One who created me and can truly be the only one to fill that void at all. I may be preaching to the choir, but I needed to hear these things tonight. I have MUCH to be thankful for.

I don't know what God is doing in my life. God is up to something and He's stirring the direction in my life. All I can do is to go where I'm supposed to because something's coming around the bend....

The Eve of the New Year, 2014

December 31, 2013

This is the first night that I have allowed myself to spend a new years eve doing what I wanted to do. I am spending the evening home, alone and using the time to truly reflect back on this past year. I honestly am not a new year's kind of person. I'm all for starting new things, setting goals, reflecting ... but I don't need to make a big deal of it. And I really don't need it tonight. So I am sitting here thinking, looking at my beautiful home, drinking a flute of champagne, pup in lap and wanting to remember what has come to pass in this last year.

Milestones include my first 1/2 marathon.

I never thought I'd be able to do something like that, but I did and I have signed up to do it again. People always ask: How fast did you do it? Honestly, I'm not sure. I finished it without walking, that's what I do know. I don't run to compete with a time. Running itself is enough of a challenge for me and I never thought I'd be able to do it. So, now I know that I can. I will be running my second one March 2 and am excited to have another goal to work towards.






Casa Gowing was built.

What an amazing and wonderful blessing this house is to me. I have never worked so hard for something (other than my weight loss) and each day I walk through the door, I am more and more thankful for it.


 I'm thankful that my family has been able to come and join me in this excitement.

I am thankful that I teach such wonderful students out of it and I am thankful that this neighborhood is growing and changing.

Metaphor for life and it's amazing to see such changes go by so quickly, as this year has done.






I am thrilled that a silly little hobby has turned into something that is paying my way to Africa this summer. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, but it's happening right in front of my eyes.

Thanks to everyone for your orders and support with Custom Kiddos. It's truly something that is blowing my mind and allowing me to be creative as well. Double blessing.

I am thankful for my job with HGO. I love going to a place that allows me to have a musical outlet, treats me like I'm a valued part of the family/team, and let's me sing with the best people from around the world. And what girl doesn't love dressing up! And get's paid to do it. I absolutely love it and am thankful for it each and every day I walk into the building.

 
How many people can honestly say that about their jobs? Not many, but I love that I can say that. That view of the opera house will never get old to me.


Most of all this year, I am thankful for my family and my friends. Thank you Bethany and Lynzy for being rocking sisters. I love how different our relationships are because I learn so much from both of you. You both are wonderful women, inspiring on so many different levels and pages of life. I'm thankful for you both.

Mom and dad, thank you for being the best parents a girl could ever want. Thank you for loving each other so intensely and honestly. Thank you for wanting the best for your family and always pushing us to go for it and make our dreams come true, whatever they may be. Thank you for always being unconditional.

Thank you to my best friends Jill and Hannah. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without you both in my life. You both know me so well, in different capacities and help me more than you'll ever know. There isn't a day I don't think about you and give thanks that you're in my life. Thank you for laughing with me, being silly with me, crying with me, going through daily life with me. God knew when and why He was placing both of you in my life. Truly thankful.

This year has been filled with wonderful memories, laughter, growth, opportunities both completed and still working on. It has also had it's challenges. I loved deeply this year, but it also brought deep heartache, which I truly don't know how to recover from. It has left me wounded. I always try to take good away from situations, but sometimes there are just no words. If I am being honest, which was the whole point of this blog 'removal of the mask', some days it has left my not believing. But at the end of the day and at the end of this year, 2013, What I do believe is:

God is Faithful.

God has a plan and it's not up to me to make it happen.

When I don't see God's hand, I have to trust His heart.

I have so much to be thankful for. 

I am going to take 2014 one day at a time. 

I'm thankful. 

Happy New Year!

Digress or Progress? That is the question on the table today.

Wow! It has been a long time since I've been on here. I have been 'craving' being back on here because it really was serving as a tool to help me along in this journey of the struggle of my life.

One year after my last post, I ran my first 1/2 marathon, which was something I never thought I'd ever be able to do. It also marked one year of maintaining my 80 lbs weight loss. And since then, it has been a slow climb of putting the pounds back on. As of this morning, I am 9 lbs above my goal weight. I have been hovering here for a few months now. I stopped going back to Weight Watchers because I was so embarrassed that I was no longer a 'lifetime' member. I cut all my hair off, which at the time was because I needed a change, but it's amazing how that single move threw me into a spin of hating how I looked and allowed myself to stay in the pit of self-destruction.

The past few months has been hard because of my weight, but let me scream from the mountain tops, that GOD IS SO GOOD! I am truly able to see that God never gives us more than we can handle. I know that this work has not been in vain and I need to get my priorities straight. It's amazing what can happen when we get our "to do list" in the wrong order.

A week ago tomorrow, I moved out of my apartment that I've been in in Katy for the past 2 years, all in preparation for the new home that I'm building. 100% blessing that I am able to have this home. Being through the process of building a home and seeing each phase of it, has shown me so much about life. I tell you, this has also been one of

the most terrifying things I've ever set out to do, especially as a single woman. I have embraced all of the comments concerning "you're not married and you're buying a home?"... why yes, I am! Every time I have gone to the house, I am overwhelmed by how I want that home to be a blessing to everyone who enters the doors. I never thought I'd be going through this next step of life by myself, but I know that good will come of it and I will be able to use the house in ways that bring glory to His name, and to my story.

Y'all know that I am a huge fan of Lysa Terkeurst. This week, I started going through her new book "Unglued". I tell you, if you want to read an amazing book with me pertaining to 'making wise decisions in the midst of raw emotions', go out and get this book. In these 3 1/2 years of struggling through my weight loss journey, I have learned many reasons as to why I turn to food to find comfort, strength... fill in the blank. And now as I am sitting here, in the midst of a huge chapter change in life, I am re-learning that life is a process. There are ups and downs, blessings and curses, leaps forward and setbacks, but all of it leads to the process of progress. Lysa wrote:

Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace ... imperfect progress. Progress. Just make progress. Taking baby steps, but at least take steps that will keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.

I resonate with that. So, here I am. Vulnerable, changed, lost in some areas yet found in others, and open to venture on yet another phase of looking at the truth behind fear, love and the honesty of life. Progress. Just make progress.

And the sabotaging begins.

Well, three weeks into my 6 weeks maintenance program, I am already watching myself fail. I am learning that I am trying so hard to believe that I can do this, but I can't. This weekend was an ultimate low for me. I ate so much food that I was literally sick to my stomach. All the while, my soul (and my body) was SCREAMING for me to stop. But I couldn't. I was powerless to stop. How do you overcome an addiction, when you can't eliminate the addiction?

God is being so incredibly gracious to me through all of this. He has provided a new person in my life who I know is going to help me in this new phase of "lifestyle". Only God can orchestrate some things, and He is doing SO much to show me that it's only in His strength that I can do this.

I picked up the book that helped me start this journey, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, and I was looking for something to speak to me about truly overcoming this addiction. This quote hit a nerve that caused me to really think:

"We can’t have the mind-set of this being a hard, impossible sacrifice.

Focusing only on what we’re giving up will make us feel constantly deprived.

AND DEPRIVATION LEADS TO

DESPERATION, FRUSTRATION, AND FAILURE.

WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON EVERYTHING WE’RE GAINING THROUGH THIS PROCESS"

That's me. I am so stuck in the phase of being so utterly afraid of gaining this weight back, that I am sabotaging myself. I was made for so much more than this! I can do this, but not on my own strength. I am weak, but He is strong. All the little songs I was taught by my parents when I was a little girl have been singing in my head... full of truth that I need to keep singing. So long words of defeat that Satan is trying to speak over my life. God made me for more than this struggle and He's going to help me fight this until the very end!

Lysa wrote this incredible prayer. I hope it ministers to you, as it did to me.

"Dear Jesus,

I have finally found the courage to admit I’ve craved food more than You. I have wept over giving up food while hardly giving a thought to You giving your life for my freedom. I’ve been bound up by feelings of helplessness. I’ve been angry that I have to deal with this weight issue and have been mad at You for allowing this to the one of my lots in life. I’ve made excuses. I’ve pointed fingers. I’ve relied on food for things it could never give me. I’ve lied to myself about the realities of why I gain weight. I’ve settled and excused and made pithy comments justifying my issues. I’ve been enthralled by buttered bread while yawning through your daily bread.

For all that, I am so sorry. These are not just little issues. These for me, are sings – missing the mark of your best for my life. With my whole heart, mind and soul, I repent. I stand on this step and state at the reality of my depravity and turn. I turn from dieting mindset. I turn from what I must give up and weep no more. I remove my toe keeping open the door to my old habits and patterns, my old mind-set, my old go-to scripts.

I choose freedom. I choose victory. I choose courage. And yes, above all else, I choose You. Amen"

I found a Doctor who'll give me what I want, so I made the appointment!

I'm overwhelmed by all the messages, texts, calls and words that have been sent my way. Some get what I'm going through, others don't. Regardless, I am learning that this is the FIGHT of my life.

I tell you, I sat on the couch last night and could not stop crying because all the doctors that I had tried to give me a note, fell through. I was angry, felt defeated, hopeless, questioning everything...! I called my dad WAY too late at night and just cried, and then like only a dad can do, he just started talking words of encouragement and motivation for me. My dad and mom have seen me struggle with this for my whole life, and we are all working on this issue in our lives. I was so thankful for my dad saying the things he did, but he said something that really put my mind in a hopeful place. It was as simple as "Laurelle, the studies aren't there for anything. There has to be a reason why they all think you should lose this last 10 lbs. There are thousands of successful stories and you're going to be one of them. This last 10 lbs is going to be the icing on the cake and the TRUE success for you." Nothing earth shattering, but open, honest and supportive. I know my parents love me and support me through the fat, skinny and everything in between, but especially from my dad, it was sweet.

You can't imagine how absolutely drop dead beautiful I was this morning, from all the tears last night, but I had a revelation about it all. It's not about being able to lose this 10 lbs. I know I can. I've done it before (though not in a healthy way), but I know I can. I have just been paralyzed by fear. I kept saying to dad last night, "I know I can maintain here, and I'm scared to get to a point that I won't be able to maintain because I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN THIS ALL BACK AGAIN!" It's a good kind of fear in one sense because the moment you forget where you were, is the moment you take the credit and "it will lead you back into your bondage" (Beth Moore). I am so afraid of gaining it back. I honestly haven't struggled getting this weight off. Sure it's been hard, but I have been committed to doing it and I've done it. I can say that God has taught me so much about myself, about issues I've had to deal with and so forth, but I've done the work. This last 10 lbs I cannot do on my own strength, and I know now, that I am on this journey of this last 10 lbs as a reminder that ONLY GOD can rescue me from my strongholds and bring me into a place of abundance and fulfillment.

It's always amazing to me truths that are spoken into our lives, at exactly the right moment, hearing exactly what you need to hear. Tonight, I got an earful! I was able to go to Bible study at church to hear Beth Moore speak on Deuteronomy - the Law of Love. Tonight was session 3 and it was for me!!! There are SOO many things I learned and was shown, that I couldn't write fast enough to get it all down, but here's the big nugget for me.

I need to fight the good fight!

I have to make it happen! God has given me all the tools to fight through this struggle, so that I can live in this life and be of use for His purpose for my life and display His glory.

DO THE WORK!

It doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

Scriptures to encourage:

"I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me!"

"He came to give us abundant life in CHRIST"

"He will work everything for the good!"

"Apart from Christ, I can do nothing"

I am on this earth to make an impact and give God the glory in my life. This last 10 lbs will be a struggle, but I am doing it with a whole new outlook and strength!

Deuteronomy 6:23

"But he brought us out from there (my bondage)

to bring us IN and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers."

In all of the encouragement, one of my friends messaged me and said that every time she see's a weight watchers commercial or anything to do with WW (and oh my word, there are a lot of them), she would pray for me. So I ask you to do the same! It's not on my own strength I can do this, but I know now that I can!!!

So, tomorrow morning, I will be calling the doctor to cancel that appointment, and I will win this, not on my own strength, but with HIS.

It’s time to quit: 10 more pounds to go and I can’t do it… Epic Fail

So here I am, almost 1½ years into this lifestyle change and I can’t do it anymore. I had the hardest time this past week. When I set out on this journey, I set a goal weight, which I never actually thought I would get to, but I accomplished this goal before Christmas and am so happy. Then I came to learn that in order to become a lifetime member for Weight Watchers, I was required to lose another 15 lbs. I have managed to do 5lbs, but this last 10 lbs, I don’t want to (right now at least) and I am really frustrated about it.

So this week at my weekly meeting, I took my leader aside and broke down in tears. She was so wonderful and said that because I am almost there and because I am so healthy now, all I needed to do was get a letter from my doctor saying that I am at a healthy weight. I felt a wave of relief like I’ve never felt when she said that.

Then I got home and got to thinking about it, talked to my mom and my best friend about it and they were both in support of be getting the doctors note, but I feel like an utter failure because of this. I’m not sure what I can do. Even though I have accomplished more than I set out to do, I feel like it’s not good enough. I feel like I am giving up if I don’t do this last 10 lbs. I feel like 73.2 lbs isn’t worth anything if I can’t get to someone else’s goal. No matter what, it’s always “you have to be thinner” or “it’s only 10 more”. REALLY?!

I have been wearing this bracelet for the past 6+ months. It’s the Dr Oz bracelet, which is a reminder that simply losing 10% of your body weight makes all the difference. I not only have done 10%, but I’ve lost 50% of my original size. I keep wearing this thing to remind me that it’s just 10 lbs, but I feel defeated. I haven’t come all this way to quit. I haven’t come all this way to not become a lifetime member, because I rely on that accountability to be successful and I’m honestly tired of paying for it. But I also haven’t come this far to feel like I’m failing, just because I don’t get to weight that they tell me is healthy.

Now I wrestle with this and … don’t know what to think. Is enough, enough? Or will it ever be?

2012 - The year of RELEASE!

I didn't realize I have not been on here in forever! What a journey the past 3 months have been! Time flies, especially when you let it pass you by. All I have to say, is that God has been smacking me (with love) upside the head over and over again, especially since we've hit 2012.

I'm so thankful for it too. God is more real to me today and speaking more clearly, than I can ever recall! I have been being confronted and spoken to by so many people. Some people who I am close to and others, who are complete strangers. They are speaking God's truth into my life, so whoever He has to speak through is fine with me.

Here are the CLEAR messages that God has been speaking through people, directly to me.

- God has immeasurably more than I can even imagine in store for me. I need to stop settling for less than God's best.

- I have been getting in the way of my own prayers by staying "stuck" in the desert - God has taken me OUT of situations and because of my own choices, I have not moved INTO the promise land for the BEST that He has for me.

- I NEED TO STAND UP IN MY FAITH - I ask God to do things but I don't really believe He's going to do them. Along with this, I heard a great message today by James MacDonald and he quoted, "People will miss getting to heaven by 18 inches"... talking about the disconnect between the mind and heart. Oh, that has been me!

- God is also using this amazing woman to hold me accountable and love on me, in a way that I never saw coming. She takes the time to always ask how I am doing, she is vulnerable and honest with me, and ... I am so thankful! Jill Hofer, you are the mentor I have always prayed for and wanted. You make me a better woman. You make me think before I do things (because I know I'm gonna end up telling you), and you have more of an impact than you'll ever know! I am thankful for you!

- Tonight I went to hear Beth Moore at HFBC for her new study on Deuteronomy (The Law of Love) and she said 2 things that I LITERALLY PRAYED WORD FOR WORD this morning! She said "Stand in truth and be obedient" and "You are exactly where you should be". Words that to anyone else may not mean anything, but they were confirmation that God hears my prayers. God clearly told me and confirmed to me that He knows my thoughts. I was praying this morning for some very specific things and I got to one subject and I did not even pray it, but I just thought it. Within one hour of thinking it, it was completely answered. Incredible!

God is alive! God is teaching me SO much. Tonight I was so thrilled to be sitting with one of my favorite ladies in the church, being fed the word of God; first with sweet worship and then with TRUTH from the word! This is the year that I need to release some things! God wanted me there tonight, so I was there. God has been saying things to me; I am listening and I HEAR, and I CHOOSE to go where He is leading me. I don't have anything to offer, other than a vessel for Him to carry out whatever He's going to do / wherever He is going to put me! So I ask: "Where is God pointing me/ what is He pointing at?" I say this to Jill all the time and it's true today, "I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but I know I'm supposed to be here today." And this is my launching pad...

I will do what I was told to do tonight and "Lean my head on Him and not pick it up until I see what He see's."

"Music Inspired by the Story"- Broken Praise (Job)

"Will you hold me?

Will you stay so I can raise this broken praise to You?

But You are the One who'll fill my cup,

and You are the One who'll let it spill.

So blessed be Your Holy name,

if You never fill it up again.

If this is where my story ends,

just give me one more breath to say:

HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH"

Jill and Me at the Bolin Wedding - July 2011

"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!"

The Chris Farley SNL skit "Lay off me I'm starving" always makes me laugh! Ain't it true though that sometimes you just get starving for something and no matter what that craving is, it brings you back to your breaking point?

It's so awesome how God moves in each of our lives. I find that God is moving stronger and clearer in my life, particularly when He takes everything away that I have used to define my life. Take this last week for instance. I have come to a new place to work for 5 weeks and on the first day, I found myself in a meeting with the head people crying because I was in so much physical pain. I was not able to start off on the right foot because of physical limitations. As soon as I start feeling better in that area, I was smacked in the face with Bronchitis. There's no fighting things that you can't help. But I tell you, in my literal weakness, I am craving something fierce. I have nothing to offer other than what God does in my life. If it means that I can't sing for this first week, may I stay completely humbled and hungering more time with Him.

My best friend, Hannah, and I are doing a new bible study together while I'm gone. Over the past year, I have had the honor of sitting and studying under Tammie Head, founder of Totally Captivated Ministries. She recently wrote the study called "Duty or Delight?" and it is perfect for these next few weeks for me to be doing. What was the topic today? Nothing other than having a hunger for God. I love how God keeps putting these wonderful things in my path to keep be on track. First it was "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst, and now it's "Duty or Delight?".

Some key things that hit me tonight were: "Beware of seeking satisfaction through denial alone." Ain't that the truth? When people ask me how I've lost weight, they always assume that I am denying myself everything. That's why I love Weight Watchers. I am learning how to be healthy and live within boundaries as opposed to a quick fix that won't sustain at all. In this study, it talks about the Israelites and their wandering for 40 years. They wanted a quick fix of having food and wanted to go back to slavery in order to have it. Tammie says it so well with "The process - I'd rather have fast freedom in stead of slow freedom." She also says "The people needed not only to observe His Mighty works, but also to learn to depend upon Him for the necessities of life. Ultimately they needed to understand that all would be accomplished by God's own power and not by their ability. Often we fail to recognize that waiting forces desperation. When we are desperate, we become willing to listen to whatever God says. God considers the lapse of time between slavery and freedom critical."

That is the key for me. I had a co-worker say to me the other day, "Laurelle, you'd better not gain all this weight back again!", to which I was ticked off, but at the same time, there's an underlying truth to it. The difference this time with the weight loss, is that I have never travelled this journey to this capacity before. I have learned more about life and love and God in the past 10 months of my life than I have learned anything before. This is the journey of my life from slavery to freedom. It's not about "cheating" on my diet, or "gaining all the weight back"... it's about keeping my priorities straight and constantly seeking to fill up on the Holy Spirit to keep me sustained and on this journey. It's not easy, but I see the promise land. I can only stay there by His grace. I claim freedom in His name alone. Not in the hard work that I have done, but in the grace He has given me to accomplish this journey, and I'm still starving for more!

What's your breaking point?

This blog thing has been so interesting for me to do and to get feedback on. I know I have not been consistent with my posts, but I am finding out that it is resonating with a lot of people. I never know what to write, but I know that today's topic is something to write about because it has been something many people have messaging and asking me about.

"What was your breaking point?"

Story of my life... that was my breaking point. Let's start by counting all the diets I have done.

1. Optifast

2. Slimfast

3. LA Weightloss

4. Not eating

5. Diet pills

6. Master cleanse

7. Atkin's diet

8. The Master's Diet

9. Weight Watchers (this is my third time on it, but the first time I haven't quit in the first 2 months... been on this since November 2010)

10. Name it... I think I've tried it at least once.

So, what was the breaking point this time? Honestly, because I thought it would make a boy love me. Did it work... nope, we don't talk anymore. Then I started going to counseling to get to the bottom of what my problem was.... I didn't really love me, let alone someone else loving me!

I will share a story of when I really hit rock bottom. I will never forget it... it's probably the lowest point I have ever been at with my weight and I will never forget the feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I was sitting on my cot at the YMCA in NYC, doing a round of auditions. I bunch of things were going on in life and I felt like I had no control over what I was facing and had no idea how to deal with it. I went to my favorite cupcake place in NYC earlier that afternoon and brought back my "therapy" for the night. I sat there and ate 12 cupcakes, on the bed, by myself. I took the picture of the cupcakes when I was 1/2 way done eating them and sat there and cried. I was trying to numb the pain. How many times have you done that with something? I didn't want to, nor did I know how to deal with life. So, I ate something I liked until I was sick. That was December 2007. I yo-yo dieted on and off after that, but I was never committed to dealing with the root of the problem.

Fast forward to November 2010... I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time with one my of girl friends, and I just felt so uncomfortable in my body. I tried to pose for the pictures and walk around to have a good time, but all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was. I didn't know what to do, but I just decided to go back and join Weight Watchers. Slowly but surely, the program works. If it doesn't work for you, it's because you're not being honest with yourself. That's it. End of scene. I can say that, because it's the story of my life. A wise man said to me "When you know better, you do better" I did start it in November because I was tired of feeling unloved, and I wanted someone else to love me. This process is teaching me to love myself. That's why I am doing it. I finally realize that I am worth the struggle, and let me say that this is a struggle. However, each day it becomes less of a struggle and more of my lifestyle. Everyone can tell you "You're beautiful no matter what size you are" or "You can do it!" but it's only when you believe it for yourself and can say it to yourself, that change is attainable.

So I share this with you tonight because I want better for my life. I want better for you too! We can all do better and be better and help each other! I don't want to get to the place where I break again. With God's strength, I don't have to, and neither do you! Start today! I start new every day.

If I'm really going to be honest, or not!

I have to tell you that I have not been completely honest. When people have been asking me how I'm doing with my eating and all, and I say "I'm doing fine", that has not been truthful. Honestly, I have been so unsettled about my food choices over the past month. Thankfully, I have not gained weight, but in more cases than not, I have gone to sleep at the end of the day completely unsatisfied, sometimes still hungry, sometimes so incredibly stuffed... fill in the blanks. I need to thank those of you who have messaged me and encouraged me to get back on here and continue the journey. My "lack of communicating" has been because I have been distracted.

There always seems to be a reason why I put off dealing with this. Whether it be being distracted by work, by people, by myself.... here I am again, venturing on this journey. I lay it out for my own benefit and for others to walk with me in what they are dealing with. Let's just all walk together and be stronger for it.

I was so excited when I woke up this morning. Everyone knows that I love watching "The View" and today (even though it was a re-run) Miss South Carolina, Bree Bryce, was on. She lost 112 lbs without having any procedures done and I thought... I LOVE IT! I wanted to be Miss America when I was a little girl. (That's me in the picture when I was 9 years old. It hung on my wall until I was MUCH older) We used to tape it every year and I would watch those videos over and over until I knew it forward and backwards. Truth be told, I could never be her because I wasn't an America, but now that I am... ;) Ha. I remember watching as a little girl and thinking, well I'll never look like her, so I'll just sit here and watch her. That seems so sad to me, but I lived behind that mentality. I sometimes still do live behind that mentality. Dang it, if I want to be Miss America... well, I guess I'm a little old for that now, but don't they have a Mrs America pageant? I guess I just have to get my degree in the MRS department first.

I thought about it all morning and then went out to the pool this afternoon and was reading my book for this whole journey, "Made to Crave" and yet again, Lysa hits it right on the head with the chapter I read. Chapter 9 "But Exercise Makes Me Want to Cry". Here are the quotes that stuck out to me:

• It's amazing how love can motivate us
• Halfhearted efforts only produce mediocre results
• I stood in front of the mirror trying to determine whether or not I should just resign myself to being out of shape.
• In the quiet of my heart, I wasn't settled
• But it was God's strength replacing my excuses step by step by step
• When it comes to my body, I can't live with divided loyalties. I can either be loyal to honoring the Lord with my body or loyal to my cravings, desires, and many excuses for not exercising
• In the spiritual sense, when I'm not taking care of my body, I feel much more weighed down by my stress and problems. I have less energy to serve God and more thorny emotions to wade through when processing life.
• I've learned to embrace the benefits instead of resisting the hardships
• It's amazing how love motivates us - especially when it's God's unreserved love matched with our undivided hearts

Talk about nuggets of truth! Lysa Terkeurst is right on. The more I read this book, the more I am so thankful to have found it. In this chapter, Haggai 1:7-9 is brought up. It reads:

"This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house,

so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord.

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little.

What you brought home, I blew away. Why?"

declares the Lord Almighty.

"Because of my house, which remains in ruin,

while each of you is busy with his own house."

Honestly, I have been focusing on other things. Thankfully, my efforts have not been returned completely void. God is so good and is showing Himself so incredibly strong. Thank you, LORD! I will not offer up second best. This journey is my offering. I want to offer only the best to You! I know that's what you want for my life. This journey is between me and God. I pray for a renewal in my commitment to stay dedicated to offering my life up. May anyone who is reading this find comfort in the shelter of the Most High. He wants to help you along your path too. To all of us, "He stands at the door and knocks"... I choose to answer and keep walking forward.