"LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!"

The Chris Farley SNL skit "Lay off me I'm starving" always makes me laugh! Ain't it true though that sometimes you just get starving for something and no matter what that craving is, it brings you back to your breaking point?

It's so awesome how God moves in each of our lives. I find that God is moving stronger and clearer in my life, particularly when He takes everything away that I have used to define my life. Take this last week for instance. I have come to a new place to work for 5 weeks and on the first day, I found myself in a meeting with the head people crying because I was in so much physical pain. I was not able to start off on the right foot because of physical limitations. As soon as I start feeling better in that area, I was smacked in the face with Bronchitis. There's no fighting things that you can't help. But I tell you, in my literal weakness, I am craving something fierce. I have nothing to offer other than what God does in my life. If it means that I can't sing for this first week, may I stay completely humbled and hungering more time with Him.

My best friend, Hannah, and I are doing a new bible study together while I'm gone. Over the past year, I have had the honor of sitting and studying under Tammie Head, founder of Totally Captivated Ministries. She recently wrote the study called "Duty or Delight?" and it is perfect for these next few weeks for me to be doing. What was the topic today? Nothing other than having a hunger for God. I love how God keeps putting these wonderful things in my path to keep be on track. First it was "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst, and now it's "Duty or Delight?".

Some key things that hit me tonight were: "Beware of seeking satisfaction through denial alone." Ain't that the truth? When people ask me how I've lost weight, they always assume that I am denying myself everything. That's why I love Weight Watchers. I am learning how to be healthy and live within boundaries as opposed to a quick fix that won't sustain at all. In this study, it talks about the Israelites and their wandering for 40 years. They wanted a quick fix of having food and wanted to go back to slavery in order to have it. Tammie says it so well with "The process - I'd rather have fast freedom in stead of slow freedom." She also says "The people needed not only to observe His Mighty works, but also to learn to depend upon Him for the necessities of life. Ultimately they needed to understand that all would be accomplished by God's own power and not by their ability. Often we fail to recognize that waiting forces desperation. When we are desperate, we become willing to listen to whatever God says. God considers the lapse of time between slavery and freedom critical."

That is the key for me. I had a co-worker say to me the other day, "Laurelle, you'd better not gain all this weight back again!", to which I was ticked off, but at the same time, there's an underlying truth to it. The difference this time with the weight loss, is that I have never travelled this journey to this capacity before. I have learned more about life and love and God in the past 10 months of my life than I have learned anything before. This is the journey of my life from slavery to freedom. It's not about "cheating" on my diet, or "gaining all the weight back"... it's about keeping my priorities straight and constantly seeking to fill up on the Holy Spirit to keep me sustained and on this journey. It's not easy, but I see the promise land. I can only stay there by His grace. I claim freedom in His name alone. Not in the hard work that I have done, but in the grace He has given me to accomplish this journey, and I'm still starving for more!

What's your breaking point?

This blog thing has been so interesting for me to do and to get feedback on. I know I have not been consistent with my posts, but I am finding out that it is resonating with a lot of people. I never know what to write, but I know that today's topic is something to write about because it has been something many people have messaging and asking me about.

"What was your breaking point?"

Story of my life... that was my breaking point. Let's start by counting all the diets I have done.

1. Optifast

2. Slimfast

3. LA Weightloss

4. Not eating

5. Diet pills

6. Master cleanse

7. Atkin's diet

8. The Master's Diet

9. Weight Watchers (this is my third time on it, but the first time I haven't quit in the first 2 months... been on this since November 2010)

10. Name it... I think I've tried it at least once.

So, what was the breaking point this time? Honestly, because I thought it would make a boy love me. Did it work... nope, we don't talk anymore. Then I started going to counseling to get to the bottom of what my problem was.... I didn't really love me, let alone someone else loving me!

I will share a story of when I really hit rock bottom. I will never forget it... it's probably the lowest point I have ever been at with my weight and I will never forget the feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I was sitting on my cot at the YMCA in NYC, doing a round of auditions. I bunch of things were going on in life and I felt like I had no control over what I was facing and had no idea how to deal with it. I went to my favorite cupcake place in NYC earlier that afternoon and brought back my "therapy" for the night. I sat there and ate 12 cupcakes, on the bed, by myself. I took the picture of the cupcakes when I was 1/2 way done eating them and sat there and cried. I was trying to numb the pain. How many times have you done that with something? I didn't want to, nor did I know how to deal with life. So, I ate something I liked until I was sick. That was December 2007. I yo-yo dieted on and off after that, but I was never committed to dealing with the root of the problem.

Fast forward to November 2010... I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time with one my of girl friends, and I just felt so uncomfortable in my body. I tried to pose for the pictures and walk around to have a good time, but all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was. I didn't know what to do, but I just decided to go back and join Weight Watchers. Slowly but surely, the program works. If it doesn't work for you, it's because you're not being honest with yourself. That's it. End of scene. I can say that, because it's the story of my life. A wise man said to me "When you know better, you do better" I did start it in November because I was tired of feeling unloved, and I wanted someone else to love me. This process is teaching me to love myself. That's why I am doing it. I finally realize that I am worth the struggle, and let me say that this is a struggle. However, each day it becomes less of a struggle and more of my lifestyle. Everyone can tell you "You're beautiful no matter what size you are" or "You can do it!" but it's only when you believe it for yourself and can say it to yourself, that change is attainable.

So I share this with you tonight because I want better for my life. I want better for you too! We can all do better and be better and help each other! I don't want to get to the place where I break again. With God's strength, I don't have to, and neither do you! Start today! I start new every day.

If I'm really going to be honest, or not!

I have to tell you that I have not been completely honest. When people have been asking me how I'm doing with my eating and all, and I say "I'm doing fine", that has not been truthful. Honestly, I have been so unsettled about my food choices over the past month. Thankfully, I have not gained weight, but in more cases than not, I have gone to sleep at the end of the day completely unsatisfied, sometimes still hungry, sometimes so incredibly stuffed... fill in the blanks. I need to thank those of you who have messaged me and encouraged me to get back on here and continue the journey. My "lack of communicating" has been because I have been distracted.

There always seems to be a reason why I put off dealing with this. Whether it be being distracted by work, by people, by myself.... here I am again, venturing on this journey. I lay it out for my own benefit and for others to walk with me in what they are dealing with. Let's just all walk together and be stronger for it.

I was so excited when I woke up this morning. Everyone knows that I love watching "The View" and today (even though it was a re-run) Miss South Carolina, Bree Bryce, was on. She lost 112 lbs without having any procedures done and I thought... I LOVE IT! I wanted to be Miss America when I was a little girl. (That's me in the picture when I was 9 years old. It hung on my wall until I was MUCH older) We used to tape it every year and I would watch those videos over and over until I knew it forward and backwards. Truth be told, I could never be her because I wasn't an America, but now that I am... ;) Ha. I remember watching as a little girl and thinking, well I'll never look like her, so I'll just sit here and watch her. That seems so sad to me, but I lived behind that mentality. I sometimes still do live behind that mentality. Dang it, if I want to be Miss America... well, I guess I'm a little old for that now, but don't they have a Mrs America pageant? I guess I just have to get my degree in the MRS department first.

I thought about it all morning and then went out to the pool this afternoon and was reading my book for this whole journey, "Made to Crave" and yet again, Lysa hits it right on the head with the chapter I read. Chapter 9 "But Exercise Makes Me Want to Cry". Here are the quotes that stuck out to me:

• It's amazing how love can motivate us
• Halfhearted efforts only produce mediocre results
• I stood in front of the mirror trying to determine whether or not I should just resign myself to being out of shape.
• In the quiet of my heart, I wasn't settled
• But it was God's strength replacing my excuses step by step by step
• When it comes to my body, I can't live with divided loyalties. I can either be loyal to honoring the Lord with my body or loyal to my cravings, desires, and many excuses for not exercising
• In the spiritual sense, when I'm not taking care of my body, I feel much more weighed down by my stress and problems. I have less energy to serve God and more thorny emotions to wade through when processing life.
• I've learned to embrace the benefits instead of resisting the hardships
• It's amazing how love motivates us - especially when it's God's unreserved love matched with our undivided hearts

Talk about nuggets of truth! Lysa Terkeurst is right on. The more I read this book, the more I am so thankful to have found it. In this chapter, Haggai 1:7-9 is brought up. It reads:

"This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house,

so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord.

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little.

What you brought home, I blew away. Why?"

declares the Lord Almighty.

"Because of my house, which remains in ruin,

while each of you is busy with his own house."

Honestly, I have been focusing on other things. Thankfully, my efforts have not been returned completely void. God is so good and is showing Himself so incredibly strong. Thank you, LORD! I will not offer up second best. This journey is my offering. I want to offer only the best to You! I know that's what you want for my life. This journey is between me and God. I pray for a renewal in my commitment to stay dedicated to offering my life up. May anyone who is reading this find comfort in the shelter of the Most High. He wants to help you along your path too. To all of us, "He stands at the door and knocks"... I choose to answer and keep walking forward.

Life vs. Death

I was introduced to the singer/ songwriter Nicole Nordeman my junior year of college, at Wheaton. The concert she gave was one of the fondest memories I have at that school and it left me a changed person. I was listening to one of her songs tonight, called Every Season, and it got me thinking. The words are profound if you really think about them and they depict the journey that I have been on this last year... the journey I am still on.

Every Season

Every evening sky an invitation to trace the patterned stars

And early in July a celebration for freedom that is ours

And I notice You in children's games and those who watch them from the shade

Every drop is full of fun and wonder.

You are Summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time

Forfeiting their leaves in late september and sending us inside

Still I notice You when change begins and I am braced for colder winds

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come

You are Autumn

And everything in time and under Heaven finally falls asleep

Wrapped in blankets white all creation shivers underneath

And still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass

Even now in death You open doors for life to enter

You are Winter

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe

And what was frozen through is newly purposed turning all things green

So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change

And so it will be as You are re-creating me

Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

Emphasis is mine in bold, but what an incredible journey and song!

• The celebration we had yesterday, 4th of July, was sweet for me, being that it was my first one as an American citizen. Just coming from making sweet memories with my niece and nephews a few weeks ago, words can't describe the love and joy I got from watching them make up games and dance in the rain on Father's Day

• I miss the days of living in Wheaton and seeing the incredible season's change. God is so creative in the colors he paints with in autumn. I was braced for a cold and hard winter...

• I didn't even know to what depths I was going to have to go to finally get to the bottom of things, but I can see now how I was braced for it. Thank you, Lord. God cracked me open this winter, but praise His HOLY name, He has brought NEW LIFE!

• He has taught me to breathe, and what was frozen through, is no longer frozen, but it's a new life. I am so thankful for a re-creation, after realizing for the first time what it means to truly die to one's self.

I still sit here and truly offer thanks for "What has been and what's to come."

God is so good in the lessons that He chooses to lead us through. I have been going through an interesting learning path and keep hearing / reading about death, but not a physical death. Death to self, death to ego.

John 15:1-5

"I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing."

Thank you Lord for cutting of the branches of death in my life. Thank you for pruning the others. And most of all thank you for new life.

I am new because of Jesus Christ!

And so I continue on this journey...

The Harry Potter Challenge

I decided 2 weeks ago that I was going to read all of the Harry Potter books for the first time, before the last movie comes out. I can't believe that I am already 1/2 way through book 4, but I now understand this little magical world that everyone has been talking about for years. I don't know what took me so long to get on the band wagon, but needless to say, I'm enjoying the ride.

There have been a couple of phrases that stuck out to me like a sore thumb. These phrases have caused me to ask some compelling questions, so I thought I'd share them. Hopefully, they'll make you ask some questions too.

In "The Chamber of Secrets", (book 2) Dumbledoor and Harry are having a conversation about life choices and Dumbledoor says

"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." pg 333

That's a pretty profound statement. It's completely true too. I am able to do a lot of things, so it's because of that ability that there is responsibility that goes along with my choices. I am really thankful that I have freedom to make choices; I just have to really be responsible for the choices that I am making.

This last week, I was a hot mess when it came to eating. Being away on vacation murdered my routine and my mindset. I was constantly on "Oh, I'm on vacation, I'll be better tomorrow." What is that all about? I am DONE functioning on that level. I don't want to live there anymore. It not only made me feel ill, it made me mentally go to the wrong place. I want to chose to better because I know better. At the end of the day, there's just me and the choices that I made for that day. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow, so I need to choose better for today.

On that note, I cleaned out some things in the freezer and started new. Today was one of the nicest days I have had in a long time. My mind is set on good things, my eating was awesome today and I enjoyed it all... I'm able to do this. I just have to choose to do it. No more living in the future, or the past for that matter. It's the here and now.

The other quote that struck me was from "Prisoner of Askaban" (book 3, pg 36) and this conversation happens between Stan (the crazy bus driver, and Harry)

"How come muggles don't hear the bus?" said Harry. "Them!" said Stan contemptuously. "Don' listen properly, do they? Don' look properly either. Never notice nuffink, they don'."

Lord, open my eyes, so I may see. Open my ears, so that I may hear. Less of me, more of You. That is my prayer tonight.

Cries of a new life

Tonight I sit here, Satie at my side, the clock ticking away, with an overwhelming feeling of grace and blessings.

There's nothing that puts life back into perspective like witnessing the birth of a new life. Last night, I was able to witness a birth for the first time. Well, I was actually outside the door, but I was there up until and then after the birth of my best friend's baby. I haven't been alone all day; the day has been filled with teaching, hospital visits and dinner with a friend, but at the end of it all, I am sitting here completely overwhelmed and thankful for life, thankful for struggles that make me stronger, and thankful for a beautiful new 6 lbs baby boy.

As I think about a baby being born, I can't help but think about how I got to where I am today. I have made conscious decisions that have gotten me to this place. Decisions that have exceeded my expectations and fallen short; given me major set backs and major victories. But even through those decisions, there is always the opportunity to birth something new, something different. I've never felt actual labor pains before, but I have felt other kinds of pain. I have also experienced joy that surpasses all understanding. As I stood in the hall, listening to the screams of birthing pain, the joy of laughter, and the cries of a new life, I couldn't help but realize that life is summed up in that one precious moment.

Along with parenting, comes the duty of taking care of another person. I find it really interesting that even though I am single, I treat myself better when I am with other people, taking care of them. I love having people over for a good meal. I take a lot of time to prepare the menu, prepare the food, and make the whole experience as wonderful for them as possible. It brings me such joy to show love in all the details. I was able to do that tonight for one of my former students, who is now a very dear friend of mine. As I was preparing a delicious meal (if I do say so myself), I couldn't help but ask myself, "Why don't you make it a priority to do this for yourself, instead of just for others?" It made me stop chopping, to say the least.

Why don't I? I was very quiet today because of all the life experiences going on (it was a lot to take in), and in the stillness of it all, I have to come to the resolve that I am worth showing myself as much love as I am giving to others whom I love. I just have to do it. I was made for more than this. I have more to offer to others, when I offer myself the best. I can give my best to the Lord, when I get my priorities straight. Yes, I can love on people and I can love God, but in order to truly love Him and live the life I was meant to lead, I have to love me too.

One of my favorite things to do, is to write down lyrics to songs, especially in the moments when I don't know what to pray, what to think or what to do. Tonight the lyrics that are playing in my head are:

"In the secret, in the quiet place, in the stillness You are there.

In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait only for You cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You, I want to hear Your voice. I want to know You more.

I want to touch you, I want to see Your face.

I want to know you more."

This is my cry tonight.

Thank you Lord, that You are there. Thank you that in the moments of pain, You are there. Thank you that in the joy and laughter, You are there. And thank you that in the moments of stillness, You are so present and clear. Thank you that in my weakness, You are so strong.

Today was the first good eating day I have had in 2 weeks. Thank you, Lord.

I sign off with a lullaby that I send to baby Isaac, the new addition to the little loves of my life (he joins my Maddie, Nico, Ty and Hunter) and I sing Brahms' Lullaby to you too.

"Guten Abend, gute Nacht,

von Englein bewacht,

die zeigen im Traum

dir Christkindleins Baum.

Schlaf nun selig und süß

schau im Traum's Paradies."

Question of the day.

Upon walking into my kitchen, I have a big sign on the cabinet which asks:

What would it really take?

I have been reading a book that has been changing my life. I, for some reason, can only handle it a chapter at a time but if I let it, I know it will change me forever. The question is, what would it really take for me to allow it to really change me. The book is called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. The premise of the book is that we were designed to crave, but our cravings have been mismanaged to crave food more than we crave God.

That is my problem, even though it goes against everything that I want to do. I want to crave God more than anything else, but how do you really do that? I have been asking myself that over and over again, and I am tired of food winning. One of the verses Lysa quotes is 1Corinthians 10:23, which says "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Ain't that the truth! And not just in regards to food choices... more like life choices!

My sophomore year of College, I asked my parents to put me on the diet that Oprah did - a liquid fast for 6 months. I did not eat one morsel of food that whole time, and I lost 100 lbs. I looked like a completely different person. When I was at my thinnest, I was with my wonderful friend Vince and he said something to me that has never left me. He said, "Laurelle, I think you should use this weight loss as a platform to help other people who struggle with this." I wanted to right then and there, but I didn't.

Slowly, the pounds come all back on and all that I could think was... "I still want to be able to use my weight loss to help others", but felt completely handicapped with it because I couldn't even help myself and keep the weight off.

So here I am on this journey now... 44 lbs lighter than I was above. About 6 weeks ago at my weight watchers meeting, I was celebrating my first big target loss and I knew I was going to speak. I began talking to the group about how this is the struggle of my life and I told all the ladies about the book and the realizations I have been coming to. When I finished speaking, I was trembling, and was overcome with the fact that for the first time, I was strong enough to use my weight loss as a platform to help inspire others and remind myself of why I am doing this. I also couldn't help but think "Thank you Lord for using me in an area that I have not conquered yet, but am still working on." May God be strong in my weakness.

Today I am really weak. I don't have much to offer other than the fact that I was "Made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by things", especially food. Lord, be my strength today.

At the end of the day...

As many of you know, I have been going through quite the transformation over the past 6 months. Many of you have witnessed this transformation; the shedding of 44 lbs (and still counting). However, that is not where the transformation has been taking place. The real transformation is my internal one. The fight of my life it seems to be - to stop pretending that I have it all together, and be real. That is what I want to proclaim.

"Then you will know the truth,

and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

The truth is that I know God has big things in store for my life. I know that I am meant for more than being ruled by things, especially food. I know that I have been given a voice for a reason, not only to sing, but to help others in the struggle that I am still fighting for - overcoming food addictions. I can't keep this inside anymore. May my struggles and victories be used to bring God glory. That's all I want at the end of the day.