The Harry Potter Challenge

I decided 2 weeks ago that I was going to read all of the Harry Potter books for the first time, before the last movie comes out. I can't believe that I am already 1/2 way through book 4, but I now understand this little magical world that everyone has been talking about for years. I don't know what took me so long to get on the band wagon, but needless to say, I'm enjoying the ride.

There have been a couple of phrases that stuck out to me like a sore thumb. These phrases have caused me to ask some compelling questions, so I thought I'd share them. Hopefully, they'll make you ask some questions too.

In "The Chamber of Secrets", (book 2) Dumbledoor and Harry are having a conversation about life choices and Dumbledoor says

"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." pg 333

That's a pretty profound statement. It's completely true too. I am able to do a lot of things, so it's because of that ability that there is responsibility that goes along with my choices. I am really thankful that I have freedom to make choices; I just have to really be responsible for the choices that I am making.

This last week, I was a hot mess when it came to eating. Being away on vacation murdered my routine and my mindset. I was constantly on "Oh, I'm on vacation, I'll be better tomorrow." What is that all about? I am DONE functioning on that level. I don't want to live there anymore. It not only made me feel ill, it made me mentally go to the wrong place. I want to chose to better because I know better. At the end of the day, there's just me and the choices that I made for that day. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow, so I need to choose better for today.

On that note, I cleaned out some things in the freezer and started new. Today was one of the nicest days I have had in a long time. My mind is set on good things, my eating was awesome today and I enjoyed it all... I'm able to do this. I just have to choose to do it. No more living in the future, or the past for that matter. It's the here and now.

The other quote that struck me was from "Prisoner of Askaban" (book 3, pg 36) and this conversation happens between Stan (the crazy bus driver, and Harry)

"How come muggles don't hear the bus?" said Harry. "Them!" said Stan contemptuously. "Don' listen properly, do they? Don' look properly either. Never notice nuffink, they don'."

Lord, open my eyes, so I may see. Open my ears, so that I may hear. Less of me, more of You. That is my prayer tonight.

Cries of a new life

Tonight I sit here, Satie at my side, the clock ticking away, with an overwhelming feeling of grace and blessings.

There's nothing that puts life back into perspective like witnessing the birth of a new life. Last night, I was able to witness a birth for the first time. Well, I was actually outside the door, but I was there up until and then after the birth of my best friend's baby. I haven't been alone all day; the day has been filled with teaching, hospital visits and dinner with a friend, but at the end of it all, I am sitting here completely overwhelmed and thankful for life, thankful for struggles that make me stronger, and thankful for a beautiful new 6 lbs baby boy.

As I think about a baby being born, I can't help but think about how I got to where I am today. I have made conscious decisions that have gotten me to this place. Decisions that have exceeded my expectations and fallen short; given me major set backs and major victories. But even through those decisions, there is always the opportunity to birth something new, something different. I've never felt actual labor pains before, but I have felt other kinds of pain. I have also experienced joy that surpasses all understanding. As I stood in the hall, listening to the screams of birthing pain, the joy of laughter, and the cries of a new life, I couldn't help but realize that life is summed up in that one precious moment.

Along with parenting, comes the duty of taking care of another person. I find it really interesting that even though I am single, I treat myself better when I am with other people, taking care of them. I love having people over for a good meal. I take a lot of time to prepare the menu, prepare the food, and make the whole experience as wonderful for them as possible. It brings me such joy to show love in all the details. I was able to do that tonight for one of my former students, who is now a very dear friend of mine. As I was preparing a delicious meal (if I do say so myself), I couldn't help but ask myself, "Why don't you make it a priority to do this for yourself, instead of just for others?" It made me stop chopping, to say the least.

Why don't I? I was very quiet today because of all the life experiences going on (it was a lot to take in), and in the stillness of it all, I have to come to the resolve that I am worth showing myself as much love as I am giving to others whom I love. I just have to do it. I was made for more than this. I have more to offer to others, when I offer myself the best. I can give my best to the Lord, when I get my priorities straight. Yes, I can love on people and I can love God, but in order to truly love Him and live the life I was meant to lead, I have to love me too.

One of my favorite things to do, is to write down lyrics to songs, especially in the moments when I don't know what to pray, what to think or what to do. Tonight the lyrics that are playing in my head are:

"In the secret, in the quiet place, in the stillness You are there.

In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait only for You cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You, I want to hear Your voice. I want to know You more.

I want to touch you, I want to see Your face.

I want to know you more."

This is my cry tonight.

Thank you Lord, that You are there. Thank you that in the moments of pain, You are there. Thank you that in the joy and laughter, You are there. And thank you that in the moments of stillness, You are so present and clear. Thank you that in my weakness, You are so strong.

Today was the first good eating day I have had in 2 weeks. Thank you, Lord.

I sign off with a lullaby that I send to baby Isaac, the new addition to the little loves of my life (he joins my Maddie, Nico, Ty and Hunter) and I sing Brahms' Lullaby to you too.

"Guten Abend, gute Nacht,

von Englein bewacht,

die zeigen im Traum

dir Christkindleins Baum.

Schlaf nun selig und süß

schau im Traum's Paradies."

Question of the day.

Upon walking into my kitchen, I have a big sign on the cabinet which asks:

What would it really take?

I have been reading a book that has been changing my life. I, for some reason, can only handle it a chapter at a time but if I let it, I know it will change me forever. The question is, what would it really take for me to allow it to really change me. The book is called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. The premise of the book is that we were designed to crave, but our cravings have been mismanaged to crave food more than we crave God.

That is my problem, even though it goes against everything that I want to do. I want to crave God more than anything else, but how do you really do that? I have been asking myself that over and over again, and I am tired of food winning. One of the verses Lysa quotes is 1Corinthians 10:23, which says "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Ain't that the truth! And not just in regards to food choices... more like life choices!

My sophomore year of College, I asked my parents to put me on the diet that Oprah did - a liquid fast for 6 months. I did not eat one morsel of food that whole time, and I lost 100 lbs. I looked like a completely different person. When I was at my thinnest, I was with my wonderful friend Vince and he said something to me that has never left me. He said, "Laurelle, I think you should use this weight loss as a platform to help other people who struggle with this." I wanted to right then and there, but I didn't.

Slowly, the pounds come all back on and all that I could think was... "I still want to be able to use my weight loss to help others", but felt completely handicapped with it because I couldn't even help myself and keep the weight off.

So here I am on this journey now... 44 lbs lighter than I was above. About 6 weeks ago at my weight watchers meeting, I was celebrating my first big target loss and I knew I was going to speak. I began talking to the group about how this is the struggle of my life and I told all the ladies about the book and the realizations I have been coming to. When I finished speaking, I was trembling, and was overcome with the fact that for the first time, I was strong enough to use my weight loss as a platform to help inspire others and remind myself of why I am doing this. I also couldn't help but think "Thank you Lord for using me in an area that I have not conquered yet, but am still working on." May God be strong in my weakness.

Today I am really weak. I don't have much to offer other than the fact that I was "Made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by things", especially food. Lord, be my strength today.

At the end of the day...

As many of you know, I have been going through quite the transformation over the past 6 months. Many of you have witnessed this transformation; the shedding of 44 lbs (and still counting). However, that is not where the transformation has been taking place. The real transformation is my internal one. The fight of my life it seems to be - to stop pretending that I have it all together, and be real. That is what I want to proclaim.

"Then you will know the truth,

and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

The truth is that I know God has big things in store for my life. I know that I am meant for more than being ruled by things, especially food. I know that I have been given a voice for a reason, not only to sing, but to help others in the struggle that I am still fighting for - overcoming food addictions. I can't keep this inside anymore. May my struggles and victories be used to bring God glory. That's all I want at the end of the day.