And the sabotaging begins.

Well, three weeks into my 6 weeks maintenance program, I am already watching myself fail. I am learning that I am trying so hard to believe that I can do this, but I can't. This weekend was an ultimate low for me. I ate so much food that I was literally sick to my stomach. All the while, my soul (and my body) was SCREAMING for me to stop. But I couldn't. I was powerless to stop. How do you overcome an addiction, when you can't eliminate the addiction?

God is being so incredibly gracious to me through all of this. He has provided a new person in my life who I know is going to help me in this new phase of "lifestyle". Only God can orchestrate some things, and He is doing SO much to show me that it's only in His strength that I can do this.

I picked up the book that helped me start this journey, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, and I was looking for something to speak to me about truly overcoming this addiction. This quote hit a nerve that caused me to really think:

"We can’t have the mind-set of this being a hard, impossible sacrifice.

Focusing only on what we’re giving up will make us feel constantly deprived.

AND DEPRIVATION LEADS TO

DESPERATION, FRUSTRATION, AND FAILURE.

WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON EVERYTHING WE’RE GAINING THROUGH THIS PROCESS"

That's me. I am so stuck in the phase of being so utterly afraid of gaining this weight back, that I am sabotaging myself. I was made for so much more than this! I can do this, but not on my own strength. I am weak, but He is strong. All the little songs I was taught by my parents when I was a little girl have been singing in my head... full of truth that I need to keep singing. So long words of defeat that Satan is trying to speak over my life. God made me for more than this struggle and He's going to help me fight this until the very end!

Lysa wrote this incredible prayer. I hope it ministers to you, as it did to me.

"Dear Jesus,

I have finally found the courage to admit I’ve craved food more than You. I have wept over giving up food while hardly giving a thought to You giving your life for my freedom. I’ve been bound up by feelings of helplessness. I’ve been angry that I have to deal with this weight issue and have been mad at You for allowing this to the one of my lots in life. I’ve made excuses. I’ve pointed fingers. I’ve relied on food for things it could never give me. I’ve lied to myself about the realities of why I gain weight. I’ve settled and excused and made pithy comments justifying my issues. I’ve been enthralled by buttered bread while yawning through your daily bread.

For all that, I am so sorry. These are not just little issues. These for me, are sings – missing the mark of your best for my life. With my whole heart, mind and soul, I repent. I stand on this step and state at the reality of my depravity and turn. I turn from dieting mindset. I turn from what I must give up and weep no more. I remove my toe keeping open the door to my old habits and patterns, my old mind-set, my old go-to scripts.

I choose freedom. I choose victory. I choose courage. And yes, above all else, I choose You. Amen"

I found a Doctor who'll give me what I want, so I made the appointment!

I'm overwhelmed by all the messages, texts, calls and words that have been sent my way. Some get what I'm going through, others don't. Regardless, I am learning that this is the FIGHT of my life.

I tell you, I sat on the couch last night and could not stop crying because all the doctors that I had tried to give me a note, fell through. I was angry, felt defeated, hopeless, questioning everything...! I called my dad WAY too late at night and just cried, and then like only a dad can do, he just started talking words of encouragement and motivation for me. My dad and mom have seen me struggle with this for my whole life, and we are all working on this issue in our lives. I was so thankful for my dad saying the things he did, but he said something that really put my mind in a hopeful place. It was as simple as "Laurelle, the studies aren't there for anything. There has to be a reason why they all think you should lose this last 10 lbs. There are thousands of successful stories and you're going to be one of them. This last 10 lbs is going to be the icing on the cake and the TRUE success for you." Nothing earth shattering, but open, honest and supportive. I know my parents love me and support me through the fat, skinny and everything in between, but especially from my dad, it was sweet.

You can't imagine how absolutely drop dead beautiful I was this morning, from all the tears last night, but I had a revelation about it all. It's not about being able to lose this 10 lbs. I know I can. I've done it before (though not in a healthy way), but I know I can. I have just been paralyzed by fear. I kept saying to dad last night, "I know I can maintain here, and I'm scared to get to a point that I won't be able to maintain because I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN THIS ALL BACK AGAIN!" It's a good kind of fear in one sense because the moment you forget where you were, is the moment you take the credit and "it will lead you back into your bondage" (Beth Moore). I am so afraid of gaining it back. I honestly haven't struggled getting this weight off. Sure it's been hard, but I have been committed to doing it and I've done it. I can say that God has taught me so much about myself, about issues I've had to deal with and so forth, but I've done the work. This last 10 lbs I cannot do on my own strength, and I know now, that I am on this journey of this last 10 lbs as a reminder that ONLY GOD can rescue me from my strongholds and bring me into a place of abundance and fulfillment.

It's always amazing to me truths that are spoken into our lives, at exactly the right moment, hearing exactly what you need to hear. Tonight, I got an earful! I was able to go to Bible study at church to hear Beth Moore speak on Deuteronomy - the Law of Love. Tonight was session 3 and it was for me!!! There are SOO many things I learned and was shown, that I couldn't write fast enough to get it all down, but here's the big nugget for me.

I need to fight the good fight!

I have to make it happen! God has given me all the tools to fight through this struggle, so that I can live in this life and be of use for His purpose for my life and display His glory.

DO THE WORK!

It doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

Scriptures to encourage:

"I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me!"

"He came to give us abundant life in CHRIST"

"He will work everything for the good!"

"Apart from Christ, I can do nothing"

I am on this earth to make an impact and give God the glory in my life. This last 10 lbs will be a struggle, but I am doing it with a whole new outlook and strength!

Deuteronomy 6:23

"But he brought us out from there (my bondage)

to bring us IN and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers."

In all of the encouragement, one of my friends messaged me and said that every time she see's a weight watchers commercial or anything to do with WW (and oh my word, there are a lot of them), she would pray for me. So I ask you to do the same! It's not on my own strength I can do this, but I know now that I can!!!

So, tomorrow morning, I will be calling the doctor to cancel that appointment, and I will win this, not on my own strength, but with HIS.

It’s time to quit: 10 more pounds to go and I can’t do it… Epic Fail

So here I am, almost 1½ years into this lifestyle change and I can’t do it anymore. I had the hardest time this past week. When I set out on this journey, I set a goal weight, which I never actually thought I would get to, but I accomplished this goal before Christmas and am so happy. Then I came to learn that in order to become a lifetime member for Weight Watchers, I was required to lose another 15 lbs. I have managed to do 5lbs, but this last 10 lbs, I don’t want to (right now at least) and I am really frustrated about it.

So this week at my weekly meeting, I took my leader aside and broke down in tears. She was so wonderful and said that because I am almost there and because I am so healthy now, all I needed to do was get a letter from my doctor saying that I am at a healthy weight. I felt a wave of relief like I’ve never felt when she said that.

Then I got home and got to thinking about it, talked to my mom and my best friend about it and they were both in support of be getting the doctors note, but I feel like an utter failure because of this. I’m not sure what I can do. Even though I have accomplished more than I set out to do, I feel like it’s not good enough. I feel like I am giving up if I don’t do this last 10 lbs. I feel like 73.2 lbs isn’t worth anything if I can’t get to someone else’s goal. No matter what, it’s always “you have to be thinner” or “it’s only 10 more”. REALLY?!

I have been wearing this bracelet for the past 6+ months. It’s the Dr Oz bracelet, which is a reminder that simply losing 10% of your body weight makes all the difference. I not only have done 10%, but I’ve lost 50% of my original size. I keep wearing this thing to remind me that it’s just 10 lbs, but I feel defeated. I haven’t come all this way to quit. I haven’t come all this way to not become a lifetime member, because I rely on that accountability to be successful and I’m honestly tired of paying for it. But I also haven’t come this far to feel like I’m failing, just because I don’t get to weight that they tell me is healthy.

Now I wrestle with this and … don’t know what to think. Is enough, enough? Or will it ever be?

2012 - The year of RELEASE!

I didn't realize I have not been on here in forever! What a journey the past 3 months have been! Time flies, especially when you let it pass you by. All I have to say, is that God has been smacking me (with love) upside the head over and over again, especially since we've hit 2012.

I'm so thankful for it too. God is more real to me today and speaking more clearly, than I can ever recall! I have been being confronted and spoken to by so many people. Some people who I am close to and others, who are complete strangers. They are speaking God's truth into my life, so whoever He has to speak through is fine with me.

Here are the CLEAR messages that God has been speaking through people, directly to me.

- God has immeasurably more than I can even imagine in store for me. I need to stop settling for less than God's best.

- I have been getting in the way of my own prayers by staying "stuck" in the desert - God has taken me OUT of situations and because of my own choices, I have not moved INTO the promise land for the BEST that He has for me.

- I NEED TO STAND UP IN MY FAITH - I ask God to do things but I don't really believe He's going to do them. Along with this, I heard a great message today by James MacDonald and he quoted, "People will miss getting to heaven by 18 inches"... talking about the disconnect between the mind and heart. Oh, that has been me!

- God is also using this amazing woman to hold me accountable and love on me, in a way that I never saw coming. She takes the time to always ask how I am doing, she is vulnerable and honest with me, and ... I am so thankful! Jill Hofer, you are the mentor I have always prayed for and wanted. You make me a better woman. You make me think before I do things (because I know I'm gonna end up telling you), and you have more of an impact than you'll ever know! I am thankful for you!

- Tonight I went to hear Beth Moore at HFBC for her new study on Deuteronomy (The Law of Love) and she said 2 things that I LITERALLY PRAYED WORD FOR WORD this morning! She said "Stand in truth and be obedient" and "You are exactly where you should be". Words that to anyone else may not mean anything, but they were confirmation that God hears my prayers. God clearly told me and confirmed to me that He knows my thoughts. I was praying this morning for some very specific things and I got to one subject and I did not even pray it, but I just thought it. Within one hour of thinking it, it was completely answered. Incredible!

God is alive! God is teaching me SO much. Tonight I was so thrilled to be sitting with one of my favorite ladies in the church, being fed the word of God; first with sweet worship and then with TRUTH from the word! This is the year that I need to release some things! God wanted me there tonight, so I was there. God has been saying things to me; I am listening and I HEAR, and I CHOOSE to go where He is leading me. I don't have anything to offer, other than a vessel for Him to carry out whatever He's going to do / wherever He is going to put me! So I ask: "Where is God pointing me/ what is He pointing at?" I say this to Jill all the time and it's true today, "I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but I know I'm supposed to be here today." And this is my launching pad...

I will do what I was told to do tonight and "Lean my head on Him and not pick it up until I see what He see's."

"Music Inspired by the Story"- Broken Praise (Job)

"Will you hold me?

Will you stay so I can raise this broken praise to You?

But You are the One who'll fill my cup,

and You are the One who'll let it spill.

So blessed be Your Holy name,

if You never fill it up again.

If this is where my story ends,

just give me one more breath to say:

HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH"

Jill and Me at the Bolin Wedding - July 2011