That's where I was when I woke up this morning. When's the last time you were there? I'm telling you, if I had 1/4 of a penny for every time I wanted to not have to care about my weight, think about what I was eating, figure out how to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'll never change and I'd be better off just quitting fighting the battle that rages, I'd be RICH! Filthy rich.
Then something comes along just when you need it to, to say...no no no, you're not done. And that would be God. Whether you believe He exists or not, I'm telling you, He is alive and well and working in me. Today, I was 'over it' in this battle and probably would have embarked on an epic binge of all of my favorite foods to 'reward' myself with coming to this conclusion. But God placed 2 people in my lap today, unsolicited, that both reached out to me because of their eating struggles. One who has struggled with anorexia for years and years, and the other who re-joined Weight Watchers and needed some food ideas.
I'm not exaggerating when I tell you, I sit on the opposite side of that and am saying in my heart "if you only knew how much I struggled with this still, you'd not be talking with me about it." On the other hand, if I wasn't open and honest about it, you wouldn't know that I need help just as much as you do.
We all have struggles. We all have triumphs. We all have heartaches. We all have fits of pure joy. I don't begin to understand any of it, but I understand myself enough to know that I will never wear a mask about this. I'll fight it until the day I die, but as I learned and was reminded tonight in bible study, I have been given breath because God DELIGHTS to give it to me. When Beth said that, I nearly lost my marbles. God DELIGHTS in giving me life? I don't deserve that. I fail at life ALL the time. I fail! Sometimes I even want to fail. Am I allowed to say that?
More than that, I WANT TO LIVE. I don't ever want to be the person known as:
1. She wallowed all the time because she was single.
2. She is married to the most wonderful person, but just wanted to have a baby.
3. She has a beautiful baby, but wanted one more.
4. Fill in the blank with something that is your deepest desire.
We live in a world of comparison. Wanting more than we have and even deserve. There are times when I think it's ok to cry about these things, but it's more important to be thankful for the true gifts that we have. I don't need to fail or compare my life to others or need for anything else than being in the will of the One who created me and can truly be the only one to fill that void at all. I may be preaching to the choir, but I needed to hear these things tonight. I have MUCH to be thankful for.
I don't know what God is doing in my life. God is up to something and He's stirring the direction in my life. All I can do is to go where I'm supposed to because something's coming around the bend....
