What's your breaking point?

This blog thing has been so interesting for me to do and to get feedback on. I know I have not been consistent with my posts, but I am finding out that it is resonating with a lot of people. I never know what to write, but I know that today's topic is something to write about because it has been something many people have messaging and asking me about.

"What was your breaking point?"

Story of my life... that was my breaking point. Let's start by counting all the diets I have done.

1. Optifast

2. Slimfast

3. LA Weightloss

4. Not eating

5. Diet pills

6. Master cleanse

7. Atkin's diet

8. The Master's Diet

9. Weight Watchers (this is my third time on it, but the first time I haven't quit in the first 2 months... been on this since November 2010)

10. Name it... I think I've tried it at least once.

So, what was the breaking point this time? Honestly, because I thought it would make a boy love me. Did it work... nope, we don't talk anymore. Then I started going to counseling to get to the bottom of what my problem was.... I didn't really love me, let alone someone else loving me!

I will share a story of when I really hit rock bottom. I will never forget it... it's probably the lowest point I have ever been at with my weight and I will never forget the feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I was sitting on my cot at the YMCA in NYC, doing a round of auditions. I bunch of things were going on in life and I felt like I had no control over what I was facing and had no idea how to deal with it. I went to my favorite cupcake place in NYC earlier that afternoon and brought back my "therapy" for the night. I sat there and ate 12 cupcakes, on the bed, by myself. I took the picture of the cupcakes when I was 1/2 way done eating them and sat there and cried. I was trying to numb the pain. How many times have you done that with something? I didn't want to, nor did I know how to deal with life. So, I ate something I liked until I was sick. That was December 2007. I yo-yo dieted on and off after that, but I was never committed to dealing with the root of the problem.

Fast forward to November 2010... I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time with one my of girl friends, and I just felt so uncomfortable in my body. I tried to pose for the pictures and walk around to have a good time, but all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was. I didn't know what to do, but I just decided to go back and join Weight Watchers. Slowly but surely, the program works. If it doesn't work for you, it's because you're not being honest with yourself. That's it. End of scene. I can say that, because it's the story of my life. A wise man said to me "When you know better, you do better" I did start it in November because I was tired of feeling unloved, and I wanted someone else to love me. This process is teaching me to love myself. That's why I am doing it. I finally realize that I am worth the struggle, and let me say that this is a struggle. However, each day it becomes less of a struggle and more of my lifestyle. Everyone can tell you "You're beautiful no matter what size you are" or "You can do it!" but it's only when you believe it for yourself and can say it to yourself, that change is attainable.

So I share this with you tonight because I want better for my life. I want better for you too! We can all do better and be better and help each other! I don't want to get to the place where I break again. With God's strength, I don't have to, and neither do you! Start today! I start new every day.

If I'm really going to be honest, or not!

I have to tell you that I have not been completely honest. When people have been asking me how I'm doing with my eating and all, and I say "I'm doing fine", that has not been truthful. Honestly, I have been so unsettled about my food choices over the past month. Thankfully, I have not gained weight, but in more cases than not, I have gone to sleep at the end of the day completely unsatisfied, sometimes still hungry, sometimes so incredibly stuffed... fill in the blanks. I need to thank those of you who have messaged me and encouraged me to get back on here and continue the journey. My "lack of communicating" has been because I have been distracted.

There always seems to be a reason why I put off dealing with this. Whether it be being distracted by work, by people, by myself.... here I am again, venturing on this journey. I lay it out for my own benefit and for others to walk with me in what they are dealing with. Let's just all walk together and be stronger for it.

I was so excited when I woke up this morning. Everyone knows that I love watching "The View" and today (even though it was a re-run) Miss South Carolina, Bree Bryce, was on. She lost 112 lbs without having any procedures done and I thought... I LOVE IT! I wanted to be Miss America when I was a little girl. (That's me in the picture when I was 9 years old. It hung on my wall until I was MUCH older) We used to tape it every year and I would watch those videos over and over until I knew it forward and backwards. Truth be told, I could never be her because I wasn't an America, but now that I am... ;) Ha. I remember watching as a little girl and thinking, well I'll never look like her, so I'll just sit here and watch her. That seems so sad to me, but I lived behind that mentality. I sometimes still do live behind that mentality. Dang it, if I want to be Miss America... well, I guess I'm a little old for that now, but don't they have a Mrs America pageant? I guess I just have to get my degree in the MRS department first.

I thought about it all morning and then went out to the pool this afternoon and was reading my book for this whole journey, "Made to Crave" and yet again, Lysa hits it right on the head with the chapter I read. Chapter 9 "But Exercise Makes Me Want to Cry". Here are the quotes that stuck out to me:

• It's amazing how love can motivate us
• Halfhearted efforts only produce mediocre results
• I stood in front of the mirror trying to determine whether or not I should just resign myself to being out of shape.
• In the quiet of my heart, I wasn't settled
• But it was God's strength replacing my excuses step by step by step
• When it comes to my body, I can't live with divided loyalties. I can either be loyal to honoring the Lord with my body or loyal to my cravings, desires, and many excuses for not exercising
• In the spiritual sense, when I'm not taking care of my body, I feel much more weighed down by my stress and problems. I have less energy to serve God and more thorny emotions to wade through when processing life.
• I've learned to embrace the benefits instead of resisting the hardships
• It's amazing how love motivates us - especially when it's God's unreserved love matched with our undivided hearts

Talk about nuggets of truth! Lysa Terkeurst is right on. The more I read this book, the more I am so thankful to have found it. In this chapter, Haggai 1:7-9 is brought up. It reads:

"This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house,

so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord.

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little.

What you brought home, I blew away. Why?"

declares the Lord Almighty.

"Because of my house, which remains in ruin,

while each of you is busy with his own house."

Honestly, I have been focusing on other things. Thankfully, my efforts have not been returned completely void. God is so good and is showing Himself so incredibly strong. Thank you, LORD! I will not offer up second best. This journey is my offering. I want to offer only the best to You! I know that's what you want for my life. This journey is between me and God. I pray for a renewal in my commitment to stay dedicated to offering my life up. May anyone who is reading this find comfort in the shelter of the Most High. He wants to help you along your path too. To all of us, "He stands at the door and knocks"... I choose to answer and keep walking forward.