A second rate life.

Why does the world scream messages of confusion? Messages that tell me what I am doing with my life leaves something to be desired. What about the career? What about the Master's Degree you just paid off? What are you doing with your life now?

The world wants me to believe that I can do it all. Be a wife, be a mom, work a job, volunteer.... and the list continues. "Make something of yourself. Don't lose yourself." Yep, I get it. Now, there is absolute truth to some of that, especially the part of not losing one's self. Marriage and babies take work. A lot of work. And not the pretty work either. The biggest blessing God can ever give, but so much more too.

Truth is, I can't do it all. There really is a season for everything. Do I want to do it all? Yes. Do I look back on the things I've accomplished and dream of the day I'll have that again? Sure. But that's never going to happen. That season is gone. I heard someone say, "EVERYTHING is a season, except for Jesus." Think about that for a minute. If I let that actually sink in, that is a game changer. I don't have to think that my degree is wasted. I don't have to believe that being a stay at home mom is a second rate job and I'd really be happier going back to work. I mean, I love what I do (did) but when I look at my babies and feel the weight of the responsibility that has been given to me, that far out weights anything I've done up until now. And better yet, it's ok to miss those things. I loved it and was good at it. But what's next...

In asking these questions and weeding through all the emotions, choosing to believe that the best is ahead and not behind, I need to stop trying to make the path happen. Anything that has brought meaning to my life has been because God made it happen. Anything that has been successful, has been because I let it go and let God work through me. Man, I want more of that. I am starting to learn the meaning of losing myself, but gaining God's plan for my life. That's no easy lesson. But oh there's excitement in that. He's never failed me and He never will.

How could I ask for more - Christy Nockels, Be Held: Lullabies for the Beloved.

"There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned from this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong
'Cause there are questions without answers and flames that never die
And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguiseSo thank you, Lord, oh thank you, Lord
And yeah, how could I ask for more?"

It’s not about me. It’s not about you. So get over it!

I don’t even remember the last time I sat down to type something out, but sometimes when you finally get the strength together to be honest, real and transparent, you just HAVE to declare the goodness of the Lord for RESTORING JOY.

There are MANY things that have been stirring in my heart lately. I know many of you know of my lifelong journey with Weight Watchers and now my new obsession with my air fryer, but God has been moving in my personal life and I just had to share it. I learned (when I was in Africa 4 years ago) that when God prompts you to share, don’t say you’re going to and then not. Share it immediately! You need to declare His goodness, and someone needs to hear it. Someone else is sitting in that boat too.

Yesterday was an interesting 4th of July. It flooded big time here in Houston, so we were stuck indoors all day long. I looked back in my yearly memories on FB, and saw the past 4 years... 2015 - in Breckenridge with Christian. 2016 Colton was 7 weeks old.  2017 Annie Grace was 2 weeks old and this year, we were bribing the kids to say “CHEESE” for our celebratory picture. Oy! Getting kids to look in the same direction AND smile at the camera = nearly impossible. Anyways, all that to say, 4 years of a lot of change and I’ll even be brave enough to say 3 years of saying to myself, “where are you?”. I had lost touch with who I was. With who I wanted to be. Not as a wife, or a mom
or a friend.... as me. All the voices were screaming loud and clear: Your best years of your SELF are behind you. Being a stay at home mom is second rate to making a name for yourself with your career, bank account and what you hold dear. If you aren’t singing, then what? .... I could keep writing, but let’s just sum it up with, I was void of DEEP joy. No, it wasn’t postpartum. It was self justifying life as I saw it.

This year has been life changing for me. I went back to Weight Watchers the week before Christmas (2017) and started making ME a priority. In the Fall of 2017, I also joined Divine Design at Tallowood. We hadn’t joined there yet, but I knew I needed to surround myself with godly women, old and young, who ‘got’ this phase of life. It pushed me to find the light again.

Joining any Weightloss program is so interesting to me. I have chosen to wear it on my sleeve because it brings me freedom. Some people say “You didn’t need it”, while others say “good for you” ... I did it because I NEEDED it! Since joining, I have lost count of friends who have joined too because of my openness to it all. I used to try to do it alone and fell over and over again. I am so thankful and happy to link arms with any and everyone who jumps in the boat with me. I refuse to accept that my best years of feeling healthy, looking good and being able to truly hold my head up WITHOUT WEARING A MASK, are all behind me. No! I don’t declare that for my life. I don’t declare it for any of you either. And most importantly, GOD doesn’t declare that for us either! Thank you LORD!

Today’s passage in my “Cultivate Joy” Write the Word journal - Isaiah 61:1-3
“The spirit of the sovreign Lord is up me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who greive in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor”

WHACK! That hit me so hard today, in the best way! And I’m going to be so bold as to declare that God always declares the year to be a year of HIS favor! This year, I am CLAIMING freedom from this burden of weight. It’s not about a number. It’s about being the best I can be, and the best I can be is NOT being uncomfortable in my own skin. BESTOW means: to put to use, to put in a particular or appropriate place, to convey as a gift. Man, I want to wear that crown. You can’t wear a crown when you’re playing in your own ashes. Or even worse, living in them.

So what do you need to claim today? Reach out and claim it. You’re not alone. Reach out to someone you look up to. Reach out to someone who teaches you how to be a better you. You look up to them for a reason. I’m so thankful for those who I can do that to. Claim victory in HIS name because it’s the only thing that will bring lasting Joy. I pruned a LOT of life back, but am so thankful for it, because now I’m starting to see the changes for HIS SPLENDOR. Just like the little mint plant that had been deemed as DEAD when I brought it home, pruned it, and it’s coming back to life.... that me. And that’s life.