What is wrong with this dating scene?

First and foremost, this is not going to be a rant of bitterness and self-wallowing because that is what I hate reading and hearing most among single people. "No one will go on a date with me" .... blah blah blah. Tell it to your mom. No one will date you because all you do is wallow in the fact that no one will date you. That's why no one will date you.

Moving on.

So here is my reality as a single, successful, independent, pretty (am I allowed to say that about myself without having a big head, because I don't say it like that) 32 year old woman. Everyone says, "You'll find him when you're not looking." and that was true. I did find him, and he broke my heart. It happens. I've moved on and done everything in my power to not resent what happened. In my efforts to just not "kissed dating goodbye" (which that's a whole other topic), I joined match. I have had many friends who have had success in meeting their wonderful partners and I thought, well, why not. I don't meet people at my jobs, and I'd rather do that than go to a bar or club or something else that is not me.


The past 6 months:
Date no 1 - Guy INVADED my personal space without being invited... Phone call to sister sobbing my eyes out.

Date no 2 - Last text before our meeting to go out: Him: "Have you ever dated outside your race?" Me: "Yes. Why would that be a problem?" Him: "Take care, no desire to meet you anymore." Me: "So you're a racist?" Him: "No, I wouldn't say that." Me: "Happy Martin Luther King Day!" Him: "Ya, he seemed like a nice guy." Me: "WHAT? Take care, dude." ... Phone call to sister saying "WHAT THE?"

Date no 3: Valentine's day.... stood up.... Text to sister unable to form words because of true heartache. I looked beautiful too.

Date no 4: 32 minutes late. Nice guy, but not looking for the same things. No biggie. Nice guy and good conversation. 32 minutes late. Also, note to people who do online dating... please only use recent photos. Your picture from 5 years ago looks nothing like you now.

When I tell people these stories, they ask if I'm being honest. Yes! That is what is out there. That has been my experience. I go to a church where the singles group is HUGE and by huge I mean HUGE, but there is something SORELY lacking in what I've experienced there. I'm not interested in "hanging out" because you're too nervous to ask me out. I'm not joining a Sunday school class solely, so I can get asked out on a date. I'm not coming to your event because I know you're interested and you won't believe me when I say, I'm not interested. No hurt feelings. Just act normal!

There should be rules as to what non-single people ask or say to singles.
"Why are you not married?"
 "You need to _______".
"You shouldn't ______."
"I'm praying that God brings you a mate THIS year" ... I have had many family members and friends create their own timeline for me. I truly appreciate that you care, but how can you create my timeline?
"You should only date divorced people. You need someone who messed up and learned their lesson."
... I get these comments more frequently than you have any idea.

... the list goes on. The prayers go on. The crying texts/ phone calls continue. That's called reality and life. And it's all ok.

But this is what I am learning BIG time. There are some pretty awesome single men and women who are out there, and that is NOT a bad thing. I am learning, that the more I date, or try to date, the more I am learning what I don't want. I am learning that God has planted a seed in my heart to be an awesome single woman... and that's ok. I thank you for your concern and prayer, support when I'm lonely and laughs when it is just not working out. I'm most thankful for no words when there are silent tears and hugs when my heart is breaking. That is all part of life.

I want to live on God's timeline for my life. I have been hearing Him speak more to me than ever before and my job is to listen, stand tall and do what I am being asked to do. That means to live as an example of what it means to be the strong, single lady so that my students can confide in me about their boy problems... because they know I understand. It means standing along side my single friends (men and women) and saying "Don't compromise on what you want and what is the BEST for you!" That means getting outside of my personal bubble of living only for me (which is really easy to do as a single person) and invest in the lives of every single person I come in contact with. I have the time to do it... Give your life away to bring others to life.

I write this with tears streaming down my face. Some of sadness. Some of unbelief. Some of laughter for the days that have been and the days yet to come. It's not always easy being single, but no one has it perfect. However, we all have a calling on our lives and for right now, mine is to be single lady. And I'm thankful. Only God knows the deepest desires of my heart and only He can make it happen.

I give up. Can't do it anymore. Don't want to do it anymore. I just want to not care anymore. Done.

That's where I was when I woke up this morning. When's the last time you were there? I'm telling you, if I had 1/4 of a penny for every time I wanted to not have to care about my weight, think about what I was eating, figure out how to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'll never change and I'd be better off just quitting fighting the battle that rages, I'd be RICH! Filthy rich.

Then something comes along just when you need it to, to say...no no no, you're not done. And that would be God. Whether you believe He exists or not, I'm telling you, He is alive and well and working in me. Today, I was 'over it' in this battle and probably would have embarked on an epic binge of all of my favorite foods to 'reward' myself with coming to this conclusion. But God placed 2 people in my lap today, unsolicited, that both reached out to me because of their eating struggles. One who has struggled with anorexia for years and years, and the other who re-joined Weight Watchers and needed some food ideas.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you, I sit on the opposite side of that and am saying in my heart "if you only knew how much I struggled with this still, you'd not be talking with me about it." On the other hand, if I wasn't open and honest about it, you wouldn't know that I need help just as much as you do.

We all have struggles. We all have triumphs. We all have heartaches. We all have fits of pure joy. I don't begin to understand any of it, but I understand myself enough to know that I will never wear a mask about this. I'll fight it until the day I die, but as I learned and was reminded tonight in bible study, I have been given breath because God DELIGHTS to give it to me. When Beth said that, I nearly lost my marbles. God DELIGHTS in giving me life? I don't deserve that. I fail at life ALL the time. I fail! Sometimes I even want to fail. Am I allowed to say that?

More than that, I WANT TO LIVE. I don't ever want to be the person known as:
1. She wallowed all the time because she was single.
2. She is married to the most wonderful person, but just wanted to have a baby.
3. She has a beautiful baby, but wanted one more.
4. Fill in the blank with something that is your deepest desire.

We live in a world of comparison. Wanting more than we have and even deserve. There are times when I think it's ok to cry about these things, but it's more important to be thankful for the true gifts that we have. I don't need to fail or compare my life to others or need for anything else than being in the will of the One who created me and can truly be the only one to fill that void at all. I may be preaching to the choir, but I needed to hear these things tonight. I have MUCH to be thankful for.

I don't know what God is doing in my life. God is up to something and He's stirring the direction in my life. All I can do is to go where I'm supposed to because something's coming around the bend....

The Eve of the New Year, 2014

December 31, 2013

This is the first night that I have allowed myself to spend a new years eve doing what I wanted to do. I am spending the evening home, alone and using the time to truly reflect back on this past year. I honestly am not a new year's kind of person. I'm all for starting new things, setting goals, reflecting ... but I don't need to make a big deal of it. And I really don't need it tonight. So I am sitting here thinking, looking at my beautiful home, drinking a flute of champagne, pup in lap and wanting to remember what has come to pass in this last year.

Milestones include my first 1/2 marathon.

I never thought I'd be able to do something like that, but I did and I have signed up to do it again. People always ask: How fast did you do it? Honestly, I'm not sure. I finished it without walking, that's what I do know. I don't run to compete with a time. Running itself is enough of a challenge for me and I never thought I'd be able to do it. So, now I know that I can. I will be running my second one March 2 and am excited to have another goal to work towards.






Casa Gowing was built.

What an amazing and wonderful blessing this house is to me. I have never worked so hard for something (other than my weight loss) and each day I walk through the door, I am more and more thankful for it.


 I'm thankful that my family has been able to come and join me in this excitement.

I am thankful that I teach such wonderful students out of it and I am thankful that this neighborhood is growing and changing.

Metaphor for life and it's amazing to see such changes go by so quickly, as this year has done.






I am thrilled that a silly little hobby has turned into something that is paying my way to Africa this summer. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, but it's happening right in front of my eyes.

Thanks to everyone for your orders and support with Custom Kiddos. It's truly something that is blowing my mind and allowing me to be creative as well. Double blessing.

I am thankful for my job with HGO. I love going to a place that allows me to have a musical outlet, treats me like I'm a valued part of the family/team, and let's me sing with the best people from around the world. And what girl doesn't love dressing up! And get's paid to do it. I absolutely love it and am thankful for it each and every day I walk into the building.

 
How many people can honestly say that about their jobs? Not many, but I love that I can say that. That view of the opera house will never get old to me.


Most of all this year, I am thankful for my family and my friends. Thank you Bethany and Lynzy for being rocking sisters. I love how different our relationships are because I learn so much from both of you. You both are wonderful women, inspiring on so many different levels and pages of life. I'm thankful for you both.

Mom and dad, thank you for being the best parents a girl could ever want. Thank you for loving each other so intensely and honestly. Thank you for wanting the best for your family and always pushing us to go for it and make our dreams come true, whatever they may be. Thank you for always being unconditional.

Thank you to my best friends Jill and Hannah. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without you both in my life. You both know me so well, in different capacities and help me more than you'll ever know. There isn't a day I don't think about you and give thanks that you're in my life. Thank you for laughing with me, being silly with me, crying with me, going through daily life with me. God knew when and why He was placing both of you in my life. Truly thankful.

This year has been filled with wonderful memories, laughter, growth, opportunities both completed and still working on. It has also had it's challenges. I loved deeply this year, but it also brought deep heartache, which I truly don't know how to recover from. It has left me wounded. I always try to take good away from situations, but sometimes there are just no words. If I am being honest, which was the whole point of this blog 'removal of the mask', some days it has left my not believing. But at the end of the day and at the end of this year, 2013, What I do believe is:

God is Faithful.

God has a plan and it's not up to me to make it happen.

When I don't see God's hand, I have to trust His heart.

I have so much to be thankful for. 

I am going to take 2014 one day at a time. 

I'm thankful. 

Happy New Year!

Digress or Progress? That is the question on the table today.

Wow! It has been a long time since I've been on here. I have been 'craving' being back on here because it really was serving as a tool to help me along in this journey of the struggle of my life.

One year after my last post, I ran my first 1/2 marathon, which was something I never thought I'd ever be able to do. It also marked one year of maintaining my 80 lbs weight loss. And since then, it has been a slow climb of putting the pounds back on. As of this morning, I am 9 lbs above my goal weight. I have been hovering here for a few months now. I stopped going back to Weight Watchers because I was so embarrassed that I was no longer a 'lifetime' member. I cut all my hair off, which at the time was because I needed a change, but it's amazing how that single move threw me into a spin of hating how I looked and allowed myself to stay in the pit of self-destruction.

The past few months has been hard because of my weight, but let me scream from the mountain tops, that GOD IS SO GOOD! I am truly able to see that God never gives us more than we can handle. I know that this work has not been in vain and I need to get my priorities straight. It's amazing what can happen when we get our "to do list" in the wrong order.

A week ago tomorrow, I moved out of my apartment that I've been in in Katy for the past 2 years, all in preparation for the new home that I'm building. 100% blessing that I am able to have this home. Being through the process of building a home and seeing each phase of it, has shown me so much about life. I tell you, this has also been one of

the most terrifying things I've ever set out to do, especially as a single woman. I have embraced all of the comments concerning "you're not married and you're buying a home?"... why yes, I am! Every time I have gone to the house, I am overwhelmed by how I want that home to be a blessing to everyone who enters the doors. I never thought I'd be going through this next step of life by myself, but I know that good will come of it and I will be able to use the house in ways that bring glory to His name, and to my story.

Y'all know that I am a huge fan of Lysa Terkeurst. This week, I started going through her new book "Unglued". I tell you, if you want to read an amazing book with me pertaining to 'making wise decisions in the midst of raw emotions', go out and get this book. In these 3 1/2 years of struggling through my weight loss journey, I have learned many reasons as to why I turn to food to find comfort, strength... fill in the blank. And now as I am sitting here, in the midst of a huge chapter change in life, I am re-learning that life is a process. There are ups and downs, blessings and curses, leaps forward and setbacks, but all of it leads to the process of progress. Lysa wrote:

Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace ... imperfect progress. Progress. Just make progress. Taking baby steps, but at least take steps that will keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.

I resonate with that. So, here I am. Vulnerable, changed, lost in some areas yet found in others, and open to venture on yet another phase of looking at the truth behind fear, love and the honesty of life. Progress. Just make progress.

And the sabotaging begins.

Well, three weeks into my 6 weeks maintenance program, I am already watching myself fail. I am learning that I am trying so hard to believe that I can do this, but I can't. This weekend was an ultimate low for me. I ate so much food that I was literally sick to my stomach. All the while, my soul (and my body) was SCREAMING for me to stop. But I couldn't. I was powerless to stop. How do you overcome an addiction, when you can't eliminate the addiction?

God is being so incredibly gracious to me through all of this. He has provided a new person in my life who I know is going to help me in this new phase of "lifestyle". Only God can orchestrate some things, and He is doing SO much to show me that it's only in His strength that I can do this.

I picked up the book that helped me start this journey, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, and I was looking for something to speak to me about truly overcoming this addiction. This quote hit a nerve that caused me to really think:

"We can’t have the mind-set of this being a hard, impossible sacrifice.

Focusing only on what we’re giving up will make us feel constantly deprived.

AND DEPRIVATION LEADS TO

DESPERATION, FRUSTRATION, AND FAILURE.

WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON EVERYTHING WE’RE GAINING THROUGH THIS PROCESS"

That's me. I am so stuck in the phase of being so utterly afraid of gaining this weight back, that I am sabotaging myself. I was made for so much more than this! I can do this, but not on my own strength. I am weak, but He is strong. All the little songs I was taught by my parents when I was a little girl have been singing in my head... full of truth that I need to keep singing. So long words of defeat that Satan is trying to speak over my life. God made me for more than this struggle and He's going to help me fight this until the very end!

Lysa wrote this incredible prayer. I hope it ministers to you, as it did to me.

"Dear Jesus,

I have finally found the courage to admit I’ve craved food more than You. I have wept over giving up food while hardly giving a thought to You giving your life for my freedom. I’ve been bound up by feelings of helplessness. I’ve been angry that I have to deal with this weight issue and have been mad at You for allowing this to the one of my lots in life. I’ve made excuses. I’ve pointed fingers. I’ve relied on food for things it could never give me. I’ve lied to myself about the realities of why I gain weight. I’ve settled and excused and made pithy comments justifying my issues. I’ve been enthralled by buttered bread while yawning through your daily bread.

For all that, I am so sorry. These are not just little issues. These for me, are sings – missing the mark of your best for my life. With my whole heart, mind and soul, I repent. I stand on this step and state at the reality of my depravity and turn. I turn from dieting mindset. I turn from what I must give up and weep no more. I remove my toe keeping open the door to my old habits and patterns, my old mind-set, my old go-to scripts.

I choose freedom. I choose victory. I choose courage. And yes, above all else, I choose You. Amen"

I found a Doctor who'll give me what I want, so I made the appointment!

I'm overwhelmed by all the messages, texts, calls and words that have been sent my way. Some get what I'm going through, others don't. Regardless, I am learning that this is the FIGHT of my life.

I tell you, I sat on the couch last night and could not stop crying because all the doctors that I had tried to give me a note, fell through. I was angry, felt defeated, hopeless, questioning everything...! I called my dad WAY too late at night and just cried, and then like only a dad can do, he just started talking words of encouragement and motivation for me. My dad and mom have seen me struggle with this for my whole life, and we are all working on this issue in our lives. I was so thankful for my dad saying the things he did, but he said something that really put my mind in a hopeful place. It was as simple as "Laurelle, the studies aren't there for anything. There has to be a reason why they all think you should lose this last 10 lbs. There are thousands of successful stories and you're going to be one of them. This last 10 lbs is going to be the icing on the cake and the TRUE success for you." Nothing earth shattering, but open, honest and supportive. I know my parents love me and support me through the fat, skinny and everything in between, but especially from my dad, it was sweet.

You can't imagine how absolutely drop dead beautiful I was this morning, from all the tears last night, but I had a revelation about it all. It's not about being able to lose this 10 lbs. I know I can. I've done it before (though not in a healthy way), but I know I can. I have just been paralyzed by fear. I kept saying to dad last night, "I know I can maintain here, and I'm scared to get to a point that I won't be able to maintain because I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN THIS ALL BACK AGAIN!" It's a good kind of fear in one sense because the moment you forget where you were, is the moment you take the credit and "it will lead you back into your bondage" (Beth Moore). I am so afraid of gaining it back. I honestly haven't struggled getting this weight off. Sure it's been hard, but I have been committed to doing it and I've done it. I can say that God has taught me so much about myself, about issues I've had to deal with and so forth, but I've done the work. This last 10 lbs I cannot do on my own strength, and I know now, that I am on this journey of this last 10 lbs as a reminder that ONLY GOD can rescue me from my strongholds and bring me into a place of abundance and fulfillment.

It's always amazing to me truths that are spoken into our lives, at exactly the right moment, hearing exactly what you need to hear. Tonight, I got an earful! I was able to go to Bible study at church to hear Beth Moore speak on Deuteronomy - the Law of Love. Tonight was session 3 and it was for me!!! There are SOO many things I learned and was shown, that I couldn't write fast enough to get it all down, but here's the big nugget for me.

I need to fight the good fight!

I have to make it happen! God has given me all the tools to fight through this struggle, so that I can live in this life and be of use for His purpose for my life and display His glory.

DO THE WORK!

It doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

Scriptures to encourage:

"I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me!"

"He came to give us abundant life in CHRIST"

"He will work everything for the good!"

"Apart from Christ, I can do nothing"

I am on this earth to make an impact and give God the glory in my life. This last 10 lbs will be a struggle, but I am doing it with a whole new outlook and strength!

Deuteronomy 6:23

"But he brought us out from there (my bondage)

to bring us IN and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers."

In all of the encouragement, one of my friends messaged me and said that every time she see's a weight watchers commercial or anything to do with WW (and oh my word, there are a lot of them), she would pray for me. So I ask you to do the same! It's not on my own strength I can do this, but I know now that I can!!!

So, tomorrow morning, I will be calling the doctor to cancel that appointment, and I will win this, not on my own strength, but with HIS.

It’s time to quit: 10 more pounds to go and I can’t do it… Epic Fail

So here I am, almost 1½ years into this lifestyle change and I can’t do it anymore. I had the hardest time this past week. When I set out on this journey, I set a goal weight, which I never actually thought I would get to, but I accomplished this goal before Christmas and am so happy. Then I came to learn that in order to become a lifetime member for Weight Watchers, I was required to lose another 15 lbs. I have managed to do 5lbs, but this last 10 lbs, I don’t want to (right now at least) and I am really frustrated about it.

So this week at my weekly meeting, I took my leader aside and broke down in tears. She was so wonderful and said that because I am almost there and because I am so healthy now, all I needed to do was get a letter from my doctor saying that I am at a healthy weight. I felt a wave of relief like I’ve never felt when she said that.

Then I got home and got to thinking about it, talked to my mom and my best friend about it and they were both in support of be getting the doctors note, but I feel like an utter failure because of this. I’m not sure what I can do. Even though I have accomplished more than I set out to do, I feel like it’s not good enough. I feel like I am giving up if I don’t do this last 10 lbs. I feel like 73.2 lbs isn’t worth anything if I can’t get to someone else’s goal. No matter what, it’s always “you have to be thinner” or “it’s only 10 more”. REALLY?!

I have been wearing this bracelet for the past 6+ months. It’s the Dr Oz bracelet, which is a reminder that simply losing 10% of your body weight makes all the difference. I not only have done 10%, but I’ve lost 50% of my original size. I keep wearing this thing to remind me that it’s just 10 lbs, but I feel defeated. I haven’t come all this way to quit. I haven’t come all this way to not become a lifetime member, because I rely on that accountability to be successful and I’m honestly tired of paying for it. But I also haven’t come this far to feel like I’m failing, just because I don’t get to weight that they tell me is healthy.

Now I wrestle with this and … don’t know what to think. Is enough, enough? Or will it ever be?