Lie #2 - I don't need to lose weight. I'm fine the way I am.

How I wish this was something I didn't have to deal with. I've prayed, cried, ignored, fought with this lie most of my life but I'm coming to terms with the truth of that lie now... I am fine the way I am. But I know I'm not living up to my full potential when I weigh as much as I do. Until I choose to embrace that and actually do something about it, I'll continue to live in a cycle of not feeling my best. 

Why do we choose to do anything other than our best? I mean, really! We live in a culture that tells you to accept everything and give yourself "grace" for everything. I have masked the word "grace" with "justified" as to why I have not done the work that needs to be done. When I think back to when I felt the best in my life, it was when I WORKED AT IT! And I worked hard at it. I also had the time to do that. I didn't have a husband and 4 kids, ages 4 and under. I don't know if I'm alone here, but I so badly want to feel my best and look my best, but I fail to put the actual work into it. I want to will it to happen. Call me crazy, but that's what I have to combat. I also have to combat that I don't have time to do the work. It will never look like what it did, but if I say to myself that I don't have time, it'll get justified again and not dealt with. 

I have made an observation in the past month of re-joining WW. I know this plan works because I have done it before. The reason I choose to do this program is because it allows me to have the most "normal" food choices and lifestyle that I can. I don't want my kids growing up hearing me ever say that word diet. It's a cursed and messed up word. I am on a plan that gives me flexibility and options- and no I'm not getting paid by them to say that. If you're not a WW fan, do what works for you. Any plan will work if you actually do it. It's the lifestyle mentality that works for me with what I chose. ANYWAYS - the observation is that the more I eat well, the less I feel that I need to eat more of anything. I know this isn't anything new, but when I eat food that I'm allowed to eat but isn't healthy, I almost immediately feel too full, bloated or weighed down. When I simply forgo foods that aren't natural, my body automatically feels lighter and free. Free from the weight of crappy food. It's another way of saying, "Anything is permissible but not everything is beneficial"... ya, that's for real! 

So the journey continues to lose weight. I am fine right where I am, but I want more than that for myself. I've forgotten what it feels like, so I'm on the hunt for it again. I do remember that it's an awesome feeling, but I have to remember that it's not going to happen magically. It will work when I make the changes I know I need to make. Those changes are different for everyone. I don't want to spend my whole lifetime making excuses. I've done that enough. 

2021 - Facing the lies I've believed about myself - Lie #1: I shouldn't share this with you...

 This is the year - 2021. I'm still wearing a mask, and it's not the one you think I'm talking about. It's the invisible one I've refused to take off.  I am going to take this whole year (January 1- December 31) to face the lies and the mask that I've believed, thought about, flirted with and laughed at. There are so many of them, I don't even know where to begin. It's a mask that needs to me taken off and thrown out!

I heard a great lesson yesterday at church about repentance. I have to confess that I am great at offering up generic prayer requests when it comes to dealing with the things that I really "want" to deal with for my health journey. It goes something like this: "Dear Lord, forgive me for failing yesterday at eating. Please give me the strength to do it better today." The realization that I've had, was that refusing to dig deeper as to why I was really failing at dealing with my health, was where the root of the problem was. 

And so today, I start digging. 

Lie #1 - I shouldn't share this journey of losing weight with anyone because they'll judge me, especially if I fail or fall of the wagon at any point. 

Here's the thing. You are going to judge no matter what I do or don't share. It's what we do, whether we want to admit it or not. I don't like that I do it either. Weight is one of the biggest things we immediately jump to conclusions with. And here's another truth - being over-weight has immediate indications that you probably deal with a lot of your life issues with food. At least that's what I have found. 

I hate the word over- weight probably because I have been deemed that most of my life. I was deemed that by my uncle who called me "Miss Teen FAT USA" when I used to dream of someday being in a pageant. I was also deemed over-weight when I really wanted to wear a "Jasmin" costume in musical theater camp when we were performing Aladdin that would show my stomach but instead I was put in a glorified potato sack. I get it. Doesn't make any of it right, but those are 2 memories I have when I was a little girl that still sit with me. Fast forward 20 years and I was still deemed over-weight when I got to lifetime membership with Weight Watchers and weighed 165 lbs and wore a size 6. I had to get a note from my doctor saying that I was indeed healthy and NOT over-weight. So according to all the numbers, statistics and culture lifestyles, I have been and will be over- weight for my entire life. 

I share that not to wallow or stew, but to say- I'm not subscribing to that anymore. I will never say someone is "Fat" or "over-weight" because of what those words are associated with. They're disgusting words to me that are mostly used to put people down. Words that I use to put myself down. I will say that I'm on the journey of and for my life to be comfortable IN my body. It is not a number that I dictate to myself or a number that anyone else tells me I need to be. 

So here we go - my story is important, and so is the journey. Someone needs to hear it, even if it's just me. Facing the demons and legions of lies surrounding me are going to bring me life. I claim that for this year. Will you claim it with me? 

2020 The year that closed the doors

 As the year that opened our eyes to a lot of things comes to an end, I'm choosing to be hopeful as to what 2021 will be. Sitting here, looking back over the past year, I feel as though I have lost my voice. That says a lot for a woman who literally used her voice as her career, her calling, and her identity. I have never felt as lonely as I have in the past year. I have never worked so hard to combat that, but when I sit down to look at the reality of what has happened personally, spiritually, globally and to literally everyone, I am choosing to turn off the sound, sit and wait. I'm not good at that. I don't like doing that. But I know that's what needs to happen. I don't know what all that means, but what I do know is that I'm ready to move on. It's scary, vulnerable and hopeful all at the same time. Here's to 2021- the year to disconnect in order to once again, connect. 

A second rate life.

Why does the world scream messages of confusion? Messages that tell me what I am doing with my life leaves something to be desired. What about the career? What about the Master's Degree you just paid off? What are you doing with your life now?

The world wants me to believe that I can do it all. Be a wife, be a mom, work a job, volunteer.... and the list continues. "Make something of yourself. Don't lose yourself." Yep, I get it. Now, there is absolute truth to some of that, especially the part of not losing one's self. Marriage and babies take work. A lot of work. And not the pretty work either. The biggest blessing God can ever give, but so much more too.

Truth is, I can't do it all. There really is a season for everything. Do I want to do it all? Yes. Do I look back on the things I've accomplished and dream of the day I'll have that again? Sure. But that's never going to happen. That season is gone. I heard someone say, "EVERYTHING is a season, except for Jesus." Think about that for a minute. If I let that actually sink in, that is a game changer. I don't have to think that my degree is wasted. I don't have to believe that being a stay at home mom is a second rate job and I'd really be happier going back to work. I mean, I love what I do (did) but when I look at my babies and feel the weight of the responsibility that has been given to me, that far out weights anything I've done up until now. And better yet, it's ok to miss those things. I loved it and was good at it. But what's next...

In asking these questions and weeding through all the emotions, choosing to believe that the best is ahead and not behind, I need to stop trying to make the path happen. Anything that has brought meaning to my life has been because God made it happen. Anything that has been successful, has been because I let it go and let God work through me. Man, I want more of that. I am starting to learn the meaning of losing myself, but gaining God's plan for my life. That's no easy lesson. But oh there's excitement in that. He's never failed me and He never will.

How could I ask for more - Christy Nockels, Be Held: Lullabies for the Beloved.

"There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow fall to the ground
Thank you, Lord, how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned from this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong
'Cause there are questions without answers and flames that never die
And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguiseSo thank you, Lord, oh thank you, Lord
And yeah, how could I ask for more?"

It’s not about me. It’s not about you. So get over it!

I don’t even remember the last time I sat down to type something out, but sometimes when you finally get the strength together to be honest, real and transparent, you just HAVE to declare the goodness of the Lord for RESTORING JOY.

There are MANY things that have been stirring in my heart lately. I know many of you know of my lifelong journey with Weight Watchers and now my new obsession with my air fryer, but God has been moving in my personal life and I just had to share it. I learned (when I was in Africa 4 years ago) that when God prompts you to share, don’t say you’re going to and then not. Share it immediately! You need to declare His goodness, and someone needs to hear it. Someone else is sitting in that boat too.

Yesterday was an interesting 4th of July. It flooded big time here in Houston, so we were stuck indoors all day long. I looked back in my yearly memories on FB, and saw the past 4 years... 2015 - in Breckenridge with Christian. 2016 Colton was 7 weeks old.  2017 Annie Grace was 2 weeks old and this year, we were bribing the kids to say “CHEESE” for our celebratory picture. Oy! Getting kids to look in the same direction AND smile at the camera = nearly impossible. Anyways, all that to say, 4 years of a lot of change and I’ll even be brave enough to say 3 years of saying to myself, “where are you?”. I had lost touch with who I was. With who I wanted to be. Not as a wife, or a mom
or a friend.... as me. All the voices were screaming loud and clear: Your best years of your SELF are behind you. Being a stay at home mom is second rate to making a name for yourself with your career, bank account and what you hold dear. If you aren’t singing, then what? .... I could keep writing, but let’s just sum it up with, I was void of DEEP joy. No, it wasn’t postpartum. It was self justifying life as I saw it.

This year has been life changing for me. I went back to Weight Watchers the week before Christmas (2017) and started making ME a priority. In the Fall of 2017, I also joined Divine Design at Tallowood. We hadn’t joined there yet, but I knew I needed to surround myself with godly women, old and young, who ‘got’ this phase of life. It pushed me to find the light again.

Joining any Weightloss program is so interesting to me. I have chosen to wear it on my sleeve because it brings me freedom. Some people say “You didn’t need it”, while others say “good for you” ... I did it because I NEEDED it! Since joining, I have lost count of friends who have joined too because of my openness to it all. I used to try to do it alone and fell over and over again. I am so thankful and happy to link arms with any and everyone who jumps in the boat with me. I refuse to accept that my best years of feeling healthy, looking good and being able to truly hold my head up WITHOUT WEARING A MASK, are all behind me. No! I don’t declare that for my life. I don’t declare it for any of you either. And most importantly, GOD doesn’t declare that for us either! Thank you LORD!

Today’s passage in my “Cultivate Joy” Write the Word journal - Isaiah 61:1-3
“The spirit of the sovreign Lord is up me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who greive in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor”

WHACK! That hit me so hard today, in the best way! And I’m going to be so bold as to declare that God always declares the year to be a year of HIS favor! This year, I am CLAIMING freedom from this burden of weight. It’s not about a number. It’s about being the best I can be, and the best I can be is NOT being uncomfortable in my own skin. BESTOW means: to put to use, to put in a particular or appropriate place, to convey as a gift. Man, I want to wear that crown. You can’t wear a crown when you’re playing in your own ashes. Or even worse, living in them.

So what do you need to claim today? Reach out and claim it. You’re not alone. Reach out to someone you look up to. Reach out to someone who teaches you how to be a better you. You look up to them for a reason. I’m so thankful for those who I can do that to. Claim victory in HIS name because it’s the only thing that will bring lasting Joy. I pruned a LOT of life back, but am so thankful for it, because now I’m starting to see the changes for HIS SPLENDOR. Just like the little mint plant that had been deemed as DEAD when I brought it home, pruned it, and it’s coming back to life.... that me. And that’s life. 

A year of love like none other- Colton's 1st year

 I find it so interesting that I have not written a blog since before Christian and I were married.  Oh how things change in the blink of an eye...

Today I took Colton for his one year check up.  He weighs 24.75 lbs and is in the 91%. He is 30.5" tall and in the 74%. And his head is 19.29 inches and is in the 98.8%....  needless to say, we have a very healthy boy who is smart and funny and kind. I had no idea that a little boy could have so much personality in his first year. He never ceases to amaze me with all that he can do and all that he understands.



As I look back over this year of being a new mom, life is nothing like I thought it would be. Being that I started babysitting when I was 12 years old, I thought I would do just fine with being a mother and it would be a breeze. It is nothing like what you think it's going to be like. Life is constantly changing for him and for our family. I have never been looked at so deeply by anybody. Looking at him back makes me want to weep, laugh, to try harder, to do better, to be present in every moment of the day and be the best wife I can be.

Family time is something we work so hard at being one of our top priorities.  Watching Christian be a daddy is so incredibly humbling. Since I never had brothers, seeing that special relationship between father and son is the most precious thing...  Colton loves his daddy so much and there is nobody in the world I can imagine being on this journey with. That by itself is a whole other level of love and appreciation.

 Has this journey been easy? Not at all. It has hands-down been the hardest thing I have ever done. I've never cried harder, felt more defeated, been more tired,  or truly have no idea what I was doing … But all of those things don't really matter because nothing has been more rewarding either.

 As we were out of town this last weekend on our final family trip before we have our sweet little Annabel, I tried to take in every moment. I was overwhelmed with how many people have loved on our family and our son in the past year. I am so thankful.  I am thankful for the heart ache and the changes that I didn't always want to make, but I know God is leading our family in the right direction with His plan and His timing. That's always the better thing anyways!

 So now we will be starting a few new chapters in our family. First with the arrival of Annabel in the next three weeks, and then some other pretty big changes are just around the corner...  always changing, always open, ever listening.

God is faithful.  God is so good. We are thankful....

When you're not looking... WATCH OUT! You may be getting the deepest desires of your heart.

Tonight I am sitting in my parents home in Pennsylvania, laying by the fire, spending an evening alone and quiet. I have wanted to get back on here for a while, but time flies when you're having the time of your life... And I can truly say, that's been me.

I just read my last blog and all I can do is tell you that I just cried reading it. God gave me the desires of my heart, just like He promises to do when we give it up to Him. Anyone who knows me knows the heartache and the struggles I've gone through. Many of you have walked me through those times. I wanted to tell you the gift that He gave me, since many of you don't know the details of the love story that normally is told in books... He gave that to me.

It wasn't without tears and tons of hard work that God put me on a mission trip to Africa this summer. There are a few people who can truly attest to the fact that up until the last moment (literally the night before) that I DID NOT want to go. There were silly but very real things that stole my joy and desire to go on the trip leading up to it, and I was not in the least bit looking forward to it. I got on the bus to the airport with the rest of the choir and orchestra and we embarked on a trip across the world. The funny fact that started it off was during our checking in at security, the security guard gave his number to one of my friends on the trip and asked her to give it to me. I turned to my friend and I said, "I'm gonna find me a husband in Africa!".... Little did I know, that would happen.

A few days into our trip, my joy had been restored and I was able to worship and offer my gifts in a way that humbled me and gave me a purpose. Oh how things so easily distract us from serving our purpose of offering our lives. One evening, a few of us decided it was a good idea to go look for monkeys... I invited Christian and his roommate to go along with us girls. We had never talked to each other more than "hey, what's up" ... And yet we have sung in the same church choir for 5 years. We knew of each other but it was not God's timing. To no avail, we returned to the dining hall without having seeing any monkeys, but it was the beginning of the best love story. The 5 of us sat down to dinner and I sat across from Christian and all I could think was "where have you been my whole life"? I will never forget that moment...

From that moment on, we both knew there was something special and God has been writing the story of Christian and I from that moment on. There are so many things that I could write about, but some things are better left unsaid, are special moments we have had, and maybe I'll share them when it's the right time, but for now, I will say that I never saw it coming.

Tonight, I was working on a craft (big surprise, I know) and I was listening to the Christian radio station that mom left on for me. Pastor James McDonald was talking ironically about when you feel like God has forgotten you, when you don't think He remembers the deepest desire of your heart. I could do nothing but sit there and simply say "thank YOU". I cried that out to the Lord for so many years. I didn't know what His plan was. I tried to make my own plans. They failed because I tried to do it alone. This summer, one month before I met the man I will be with for the rest of my life with, I said "I'm done with all of this, Lord" and I meant it. I was done with the heartache, I was done with the trying and failing. I just couldn't bear any of it anymore. I said my final goodbyes to those who I knew I had been holding onto for security (or there lack of) and I gave it up.

I never saw any of it coming because I had stopped looking. Now all of these things made sense that I'd heard for years... You'll find him when you're not looking... When you know, you know.... On and on. But it is true. The Lord heard my every prayer, He saw my every tear, He carried every heartache and He brought the man I had stopped believing existed, right to me. In the middle of Africa.

I am learning more and more about God's grace and His goodness. More than I thought I'd ever be capable of knowing. I love a man deeper than I ever thought or knew was possible. And I am so honored to be on this journey and new chapter of life with him.

You are not alone. You are have not been forgotten. He knows the deepest desire of your heart. His timing.